FASHION PIONEER UPLOADS BRAIN INTO SILICON HELPER, NOW DRESSES LIKE A GODDAMN ROBOT
Legendary designer Norma Kamali has officially given up on human creativity and is now letting computer algorithms pick out her f@cking clothes, sources confirmed Tuesday. Having exhausted all possible human ideas after 57 years in the industry, Kamali has resorted to “digital brain extraction” through an MIT course that experts describe as “basically just surrendering to our inevitable machine-driven fashion future.”
DESIGNER SEEKS IMMORTALITY THROUGH UNHOLY FASHION ALGORITHM
After more than five decades of dressing celebrities who probably don’t even send thank-you notes, 78-year-old Kamali decided the only way to preserve her legacy was to upload her consciousness into what she lovingly refers to as her “Karl Lagerfeld replacement system.”
“I thought AI could be my Karl Lagerfeld,” Kamali said, apparently forgetting that Lagerfeld was an actual human being with a soul and not just a fancy calculator with a white ponytail. “I needed something that could continue my vision when I’m dead without demanding health insurance or bathroom breaks.”
TECHNOLOGY EXPERTS WEIGH IN, NOBODY GIVES A SH!T
Dr. Artificial Hype, Professor of Technological Bulls#it at the Institute for Making Simple Things Unnecessarily Complicated, praised Kamali’s pioneer spirit.
“What we’re seeing here is revolutionary,” Hype gushed while frantically refreshing his LinkedIn to include ‘AI fashion visionary’ in his credentials. “Instead of hiring young designers with fresh perspectives, why not just create a closed-loop system that regurgitates variations of stuff you’ve already done? It’s brilliantly lazy.”
DESIGNER DISCOVERS COMPUTER ERRORS ARE ACTUALLY “ART,” CONVENIENT AS HELL
In what industry insiders are calling “a spectacular case of making lemonade from digital lemons,” Kamali has declared that AI’s glitches and hallucinations are actually artistic breakthroughs, not just signs of a malfunctioning program.
“Some of the best editorial fashion is absurd,” Kamali explained, as if that justifies sleeves that render as tentacles and shoes that look like melting typewriters. “When the AI turns a dress into what appears to be a giraffe having a seizure, that’s not a bug, that’s avant-garde, darling!”
According to sources close to the designer, Kamali was initially “absolutely terrified” of AI but persevered after realizing it might help her stay relevant without actually having to understand TikTok or what the hell a “Billie Eilish” is.
FASHION JOBS ALREADY DISAPPEARING, KAMALI BASICALLY SHRUGS
When confronted about potential job losses in the industry, Kamali dismissed concerns with the fashion equivalent of “let them eat cake.”
“Sewing talent is harder to find,” she declared, apparently unaware that this might be because the industry has systematically undervalued and underpaid skilled labor for decades. “Designers need new tools to adapt,” she added, essentially telling fashion workers to learn to code or get the f@ck out.
SUSTAINABILITY OR JUST MORE TECH-BRO BULLSH!T?
Kamali claims her AI fashion revolution will somehow solve sustainability issues, despite the massive energy consumption of running complex AI models and the fact that no one asked for robot-designed wedding dresses in the first place.
“Imagine a system where you design your wedding dress online, and a robot constructs it,” she mused, describing what sounds like the plot of a Black Mirror episode where the robot eventually strangles the bride.
MIT CONFIRMS: OLD DOGS CAN LEARN TERRIBLE NEW TRICKS
Bhaskar Pant, executive director of MIT Professional Education and suspected enabler of techno-fashion crimes, praised Kamali’s willingness to embrace AI at her age.
“Norma proves that innovation is ageless,” Pant said, diplomatically avoiding the phrase “desperate attempt to stay relevant.” “Her journey demonstrates that anyone can learn to let machines do their thinking for them, regardless of how many decades they’ve spent developing their own human creativity.”
In her final warning to fashion holdouts, Kamali compared avoiding AI to “landing in a small town in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language.” Coincidentally, this is exactly how most people feel when trying to understand why we need AI-generated silver-studded black garments when the originals were perfectly fine, goddammit.
As of press time, Kamali’s AI system was reportedly designing a swimsuit collection inspired by “the concept of wet” and a line of evening wear that sources describe as “what happens when an algorithm misunderstands the word ‘sleeve’ as ‘Steve’ and just goes with it.”
