HUAWEI CREATES NEW “DEFINITELY NOT STOLEN” AI CHIP AFTER U.S. SAYS “NO NVIDIA FOR YOU”
Chinese tech giant Huawei announced its revolutionary Ascend 920 chip this week, which company executives swear on their mothers’ graves is “totally original” and “absolutely not reverse-engineered from NVIDIA blueprints we found in the dumpster behind Jensen Huang’s house.”
THE CHIP THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND DIPLOMATIC SH!TSTORMS
After the U.S. government told China it couldn’t have nice things anymore, specifically NVIDIA’s H20 AI chips, Huawei miraculously developed its own suspiciously similar technology in what experts are calling “the fastest f@#king development cycle in semiconductor history.”
“It’s completely coincidental that our chip does exactly what the American chips do,” said Huawei spokesperson Li Wei Didnt. “We simply threw 10,000 engineers at the problem and they all simultaneously had the same breakthrough while dreaming. Very common in Chinese innovation.”
AMERICA’S TECHNOLOGICAL COCKBLOCK BACKFIRES SPECTACULARLY
The Biden administration’s restrictions on advanced AI chips to China have worked about as well as telling teenagers they can’t have smartphones. According to completely made-up statistics, China has increased its domestic chip production by 8,742% since the U.S. sanctions began, primarily through what industry experts call “aggressive creativity.”
Dr. Obvious Conclusion, head of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious, explained: “Turns out when you tell a global superpower they can’t have something, they just make their own version. Who could have possibly predicted this except literally everyone with a functioning brainstem?”
NVIDIA EXECUTIVES CURRENTLY STRESS-EATING THEIR WAY THROUGH SILICON VALLEY
NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang reportedly went through seven leather jackets in one stress-sweating session after learning about the Ascend 920. Anonymous sources claim he was overheard screaming “BUT THAT’S OUR ENTIRE BUSINESS MODEL” into a conference room phone while frantically drawing circuit diagrams for the “H30 SUPER ULTRA PRO MAX PLUS” on napkins.
“We’re not worried about Chinese competition,” said NVIDIA’s VP of Market Domination, Richard “Dick” Competitive. “Their chip is clearly inferior because… um… it doesn’t have our logo on it? Also, Jensen’s leather jacket collection generates more computing power than their entire country.”
GLOBAL IMPLICATIONS COULD ACTUALLY MATTER IF ANYONE CARED ABOUT GEOPOLITICS
The semiconductor slap-fight between the world’s two largest economies threatens to disrupt everything from autonomous vehicles to advanced weaponry to those creepy AI girlfriends that lonely tech bros are developing.
Professor Idon Tcare of the Center for Things That Will Probably Kill Us All explained: “Whoever controls the most powerful AI chips essentially controls the future of humanity. But hey, at least your TikTok videos will load faster while civilization collapses!”
A survey conducted by the International Institute of Making Sh!t Up found that 97% of Americans couldn’t point to a semiconductor on a map, with 68% believing it was “some kind of truck driver who only works part-time.”
CHINA’S TECHNOLOGICAL INDEPENDENCE THREATENS AMERICA’S GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO SELL THEM EXPENSIVE STUFF
U.S. officials expressed outrage that China would dare develop its own technology instead of remaining dependent on American products at inflated prices like a proper economic vassal.
“This is a direct attack on our national security,” said Senator Will Pander (R-Wherever). “If China makes its own chips, how will American companies exploit their market? This is basically communism.”
Industry analyst Amanda Capitalism noted: “The free market is sacred and competition drives innovation, unless that competition comes from China, in which case it’s cheating and probably causes cancer.”
As Huawei prepares to launch its suspiciously familiar chip later this year, one thing is certain: the only winners in this technological cold war are the lawyers who’ll make billions arguing over whose intellectual property was stolen first. The rest of us can look forward to being equally oppressed by surveillance technology regardless of which country manufactured the chips inside it.
