BRANDS NOW MORE TERRIFIED OF MUSK THAN ACTUAL APOCALYPSE, SAYS STUDY NOBODY ACTUALLY READ
In a startling revelation that shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, companies worldwide have officially declared that Elon Musk and artificial intelligence rank above nuclear war, climate catastrophe, and TikTok dance trends as the most dangerous threats to their precious brand reputations.
CORPORATE AMERICA DISCOVERS NEW BOOGEYMAN
A new survey conducted by some group with an impressive-sounding name, the Global Risk Advisory Council, has found that associating with Tesla’s chaos-gremlin-in-chief Elon Musk is now considered corporate suicide, slightly edging out “accidentally tweeting what executives actually think” and “being caught using child labor but only apologizing when it trends.”
“Our extensive research shows that 97% of brands would rather be caught dumping radioactive waste into orphanage water supplies than appear in a photo with Musk,” explained Dr. Obvious Conclusion, the study’s lead researcher who definitely exists and isn’t a figment of this writer’s imagination.
THE ALGORITHM AMERICANS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
Coming in at a close second in the “oh sh!t, please don’t associate us with THAT” category was the improper use of artificial intelligence, which apparently means both “using AI to replace human workers” and “letting AI post unhinged conspiracy theories on your corporate Twitter account at 3am.”
“Companies are absolutely sh!tting themselves over AI,” noted Professor Madeup Name, chair of Digital Panic Studies at Fictional University. “They’re terrified of both implementing it wrong AND not implementing it fast enough. It’s like watching someone try to disarm a bomb while simultaneously trying to swallow it.”
SURVEY REVEALS COMPANIES CARE DEEPLY ABOUT VALUES THEY DISCOVERED LAST TUESDAY
The survey, commissioned by a council chaired by Biden administration official Isabel Guzman, interviewed over 100 international public affairs leaders who all coincidentally share identical political viewpoints and enjoy long walks on the beach.
According to these experts, 89% of brands now consider “taking any public position whatsoever” to be a high-risk activity, preferring instead to release statements containing exactly zero actual words, just a series of vague emojis and stock photos of diverse people pointing at whiteboards.
EXPERTS RECOMMEND HIDING IN CLOSET UNTIL CONTROVERSY PASSES
Corporate reputation management specialist Candice B. Real advised companies to maintain a safe distance from anything remotely controversial, including “oxygen, which some consumers might find politically divisive.”
“We recommend brands maintain a buffer zone of at least 500 miles from Musk at all times,” she explained. “Our models suggest that each Twitter character he types reduces market cap by approximately $3.4 million.”
When reached for comment, Musk responded by tweeting a meme of himself riding a unicorn through a burning building with the caption “lol whatever,” which immediately caused fourteen Fortune 500 companies to spontaneously combust.
In related news, 78% of the executives surveyed admitted they have no f@#king idea what AI actually is, but are “pretty sure it involves computers doing stuff really fast” and “might take over the world or something.”
As of press time, three companies mentioned in this article have already issued apologies for being mentioned in this article.
