CHINESE AI APP BASICALLY ONE BIG DIGITAL COLONOSCOPY FOR AMERICAN USERS, OFFICIALS WARN
US government officials have uncovered what might be the most invasive digital proctology exam of all time: DeepSeek, a Chinese AI app allegedly designed to crawl so far up Americans’ private data that it can tell what you had for breakfast three Tuesdays ago.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF LETTING STRANGERS RIFLE THROUGH YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER
DeepSeek, marketed as a helpful AI assistant, is actually collecting more personal information than your therapist, your mother, and your ex combined, according to US officials who spoke on condition of anonymity because even THEY were embarrassed about how much data they’ve already lost to foreign entities.
“This app doesn’t just want your location data; it wants to know your childhood fears, what you whisper to yourself in the shower, and whether you secretly think your best friend’s baby is ugly,” said Cybersecurity expert Warren Tection. “It’s basically giving the Chinese government a VIP all-access pass to your digital colonoscopy results.”
NVIDIA CAUGHT WITH ITS CORPORATE PANTS DOWN
Meanwhile, NVIDIA, America’s golden child of the tech industry, has been caught in what experts call a “deeply uncomfortable position” with DeepSeek. The relationship has raised more red flags than a Soviet military parade.
“NVIDIA selling chips to DeepSeek is like selling flamethrowers to a group of suspicious-looking people outside a wooden building,” explained Dr. Ima Naïve, professor of Obvious Foreign Relationships at Harvard. “They’re basically saying, ‘Here’s some powerful technology! Promise you’ll be good with it? Pinky swear? Cool, cool.'”
Studies show approximately 97.3% of Americans have already inadvertently shared their entire identity with at least twelve foreign governments while trying to figure out which photos contain traffic lights.
PRIVACY EXPERTS LITERALLY PULLING THEIR HAIR OUT
Privacy advocates are responding to the DeepSeek revelations by hiding under desks and whimpering softly. Some have taken more dramatic measures.
“I’ve encased my phone in concrete and thrown it into the ocean,” said digital privacy consultant Rich Paranoia. “Next week I’m legally changing my name to ‘Person McHuman’ and moving into a cave. It’s the only reasonable response.”
When reached for comment, DeepSeek representatives insisted the app was “just trying to be helpful” and “definitely not creating detailed psychological profiles of 240 million Americans that could be used for incredibly targeted manipulation or anything.”
The US government, meanwhile, is considering an innovative solution that involves asking DeepSeek “pretty please with sugar on top” to stop collecting all this data, a strategy that has historically been approximately as effective as trying to empty the ocean with a sippy cup.
AMERICANS CONTINUE GIVING AWAY DATA LIKE IT’S FREE CANDY ON HALLOWEEN
Despite warnings, 94% of Americans are expected to immediately download any app that promises to show them what they’d look like as an elderly cat or what type of breakfast potato they would be.
“Sure, I’m worried about my privacy,” said local smartphone user Chris Johnson, while simultaneously uploading his fingerprints, DNA sample, and a complete map of his home to receive a 5% discount on pizza. “But have you SEEN how accurately this app told me which Disney villain matches my personality? Worth it.”
At press time, US officials were drafting a strongly worded letter to DeepSeek while simultaneously uploading their passport photos to see what they’d look like with different hairstyles.
