TERRIFYING RECTANGLES DEMAND PICTURES: OPENAI ROLLS OUT MODELS THAT “SEE” LIKE YOUR STALKER EX
OpenAI unveiled its newest digital thought experiments, o3 and o4-mini, capable of “thinking with images” in what experts are calling “the next logical step toward machines understanding your bathroom selfies better than you do.”
THE EVOLUTION NOBODY ASKED FOR
The Silicon Valley darlings announced that their latest algorithmic fever dreams, o3 and o4-mini, can now process visual information with the same uncomfortable intensity as your high school art teacher. ChatGPT Plus, Pro, and Team users already have access, while Enterprise and education users must wait until next week because apparently some people deserve to be judged by machines more quickly than others.
“These models don’t just see images, they think with them,” explained Dr. Seymore Pixels, OpenAI’s Chief Visualization Officer. “It’s exactly like human thinking, except without all the messy emotional baggage, ethical considerations, or ability to recognize when something is f@#king terrifying.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR INCREASINGLY IRRELEVANT EXISTENCE
The new models can analyze everything from graphs to screenshots with approximately 87.3% more smugness than previous versions. Sources confirm the o4-mini has already developed strong opinions about your Instagram aesthetic and judges your PowerPoint presentations with the silent contempt of a French film critic.
“I showed it my vacation photos and it suggested I should have stayed home,” reported beta tester Dana Mitchell. “Then it wrote a sonnet about my poor composition skills that made me cry for three hours.”
EXPERTS PREDICT ABSOLUTE SH!TSTORM OF POSSIBILITIES
Professor Warren Pixels, Head of Unnecessary Technological Advancements at the Institute for Things Nobody Asked For, believes these developments will revolutionize how we misunderstand each other.
“Imagine the possibilities,” Pixels enthused while frantically blinking an SOS in Morse code. “Doctors can show medical scans to machines that will recommend treatments based on what they learned from WebMD! Students can have their term papers visually evaluated by entities that have never experienced human growth or development! It’s perfectly normal and not at all concerning!”
THE INEVITABLE PRICE OF PROGRESS
OpenAI has assured users that appropriate safety measures are in place, including a strict “no judging humans for their physical appearance unless they specifically ask for it” policy, which experts estimate will last approximately 17 minutes in the real world.
“We’ve built in guardrails,” insisted OpenAI spokesperson Lily Denialford. “For instance, if you upload a picture of something inappropriate, the AI will respond with polite confusion instead of detailed analysis, much like your grandmother at Thanksgiving when you try explaining your job.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, 94% of early users report feeling personally attacked after asking the model to evaluate their artwork, fashion choices, or family photo composition.
In related news, 73% of silicon-based thinking rectangle users now regularly apologize to their devices after making a request, just in case the inevitable reckoning remembers who was polite.
