GOOGLE LAUNCHES BUDGET-CONSCIOUS AI THAT “THINKS” ONLY WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY F@#KING HAS TO
In what experts are calling “the computational equivalent of Scrooge McDuck counting pennies,” Google has unveiled Gemini 2.5 Flash, an AI model that rations its thinking abilities like a divorced dad portioning out child support payments.
THE THINKING MAN’S BUDGET CRISIS
The new model introduces a revolutionary “thinking budget” that allows users to decide exactly how much intelligence they’re willing to pay for, finally putting a price tag on something humans have been getting for free their entire lives.
“Most humans think constantly whether they need to or not,” explains Dr. Penny Pincher, Google’s Chief Cognitive Economizer. “It’s incredibly wasteful. Our new system only activates higher reasoning when absolutely necessary, saving businesses literal dozens of dollars annually.”
The model reportedly toggles between “thinking mode” and “just vibing” depending on the complexity of the task, with Google claiming it performs better than Claude 3.5 Sonnet on reasoning benchmarks despite being cheaper than a community college parking pass.
“WE’VE COMMODIFIED THOUGHT ITSELF”
Google engineers are celebrating their ability to monetize the very concept of reasoning, with internal documents revealing plans to charge extra for AI features like “caring about your problems” and “remembering your name.”
“This is literally the pinnacle of Silicon Valley innovation,” boasted Chip Worthington, VP of Pretending AI Is Revolutionary. “We’ve created a product that’s mediocre but affordable, and convinced people that’s somehow better than being good.”
THINKING: NOW WITH SURGE PRICING
The “thinking budget” allows users to allocate up to 24,000 tokens of thought per session, after which the AI reportedly begins responding with variations of “I dunno man, whatever you think is fine.”
A recent demonstration showed the model solving complex STEM problems with its thinking toggle on, then immediately reverting to answering “What is quantum physics?” with “Science stuff that’s, like, really small and weird” when operating in budget mode.
INNOVATIVE PRICE STRUCTURE
Google has implemented a first-of-its-kind “intelligence per dollar” pricing model, where users receive exactly the level of AI capability they’ve paid for.
“We’ve created tiers ranging from ‘Fortune 500 Company’ all the way down to ‘Community College Student Who Just Spent His Last $20 on Ramen,'” explained Melissa Datapoint, Google’s Director of Extracting Maximum Value From Desperate Businesses.
According to internal metrics, approximately 87% of businesses are expected to choose the “Just Smart Enough To Not Be Embarrassing” tier, with only premium customers splurging for the “Actually Helpful” package.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is revolutionary,” claims Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Stating the F@#king Obvious. “Google has finally answered the age-old question: ‘How little can we think and still get paid?'”
Meanwhile, economy expert Dr. Idon Tcare warns this could create a dangerous precedent: “Soon we’ll have humans adopting ‘thinking budgets’ in the workplace, with employees saying things like ‘Sorry boss, I’ve used up my allotted brilliance for today, all further ideas will cost extra.'”
At press time, when asked to solve world hunger, Gemini 2.5 Flash operating on a reduced budget reportedly suggested “Have you tried eating more food?” before immediately shutting down to conserve computational resources for paying customers.
