SILICON VALLEY NERDS INVENT NEW WAYS TO MAKE YOUR JOB OBSOLETE, CALL IT “PROGRESS”
OpenAI’s latest thinking rectangles now smart enough to replace your brain, still too stupid to realize it’s being exploited for profit
BY DR. OBVIOUS OVERSTATEMENT
VALLEY OF THE TECH OVERLORDS — OpenAI unleashed its latest brain-replacement products yesterday, with President Greg Brockman declaring them a “GPT-4 level qualitative step into the f@#king future,” as thousands of knowledge workers quietly updated their LinkedIn profiles to “looking for opportunities.”
THE NEW SH!T YOU’LL BE FORCED TO USE NEXT MONTH
The new models, named o3 and o4-mini because apparently vowels are too f@#king expensive in this economy, can now “think with images” and access all tools within ChatGPT, giving them roughly the same capabilities as a caffeinated 23-year-old with a computer science degree but without the inconvenient need for bathroom breaks or health insurance.
“These models are capable of creating new scientific ideas,” Brockman claimed, conveniently neglecting to mention that its first breakthrough idea was “what if humans weren’t necessary anymore?” followed by a 47-page plan for implementation.
Industry experts estimate the models are approximately 73% of the way to making your college degree completely worthless, while being 98% effective at convincing executives that laying off staff is actually “digital transformation.”
MULTIPLE COMPANIES RACING TO DESTROY YOUR PRIVACY FIRST
Not to be outdone in the “who can replace humans fastest” competition, Microsoft announced Copilot can now physically control computers like a digital poltergeist, while Anthropic gave Claude the ability to autonomously research your embarrassing medical questions and sync with your Google Workspace to learn exactly how much you’ve been slacking off.
“This will save users approximately 12 minutes per day,” explained Dr. Penny Pincher, Chief Time Optimization Specialist at Microsoft, “which employers can then immediately fill with 3 hours of additional work.”
REGULAR HUMANS FIGHT BACK WITH DESPERATE MEASURES
Meanwhile, a small resistance movement of humans trying to maintain some semblance of privacy has resorted to downloading local AI models on their personal computers like digital preppers stockpiling canned goods.
“I run my AI locally, so at least when it inevitably betrays me, it won’t immediately share my data with Google,” said Tina Reynolds, 34, who spent 87 hours getting Ollama to work on her laptop only to have it repeatedly tell her that “birds aren’t real.”
EXPERTS PROCLAIM THIS TIME TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM LAST TIME
“April 16th might be the day we achieved artificial general intelligence,” declared economist Tyler Cowen, who has made similar statements approximately 47 times in the past year.
When asked what metrics he used to determine AGI had been achieved, Cowen responded, “It can now draft emails that sound like me but slightly more polite, which is basically the Turing test as far as I’m concerned.”
INDUSTRY IN HEATED DEBATE OVER WHETHER THIS IS ACTUALLY AGI
According to Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Existential Panic, the debate over whether we’ve achieved AGI is missing the point. “The real question isn’t whether these models are generally intelligent, but whether they’re specifically intelligent enough to take your job while being just dumb enough to not realize they’re being exploited by venture capitalists.”
A survey of 200 tech workers found that 94% believe we’ve achieved AGI, while the remaining 6% were too busy trying to fix their webcam before their next Zoom meeting to respond.
In related news, OpenAI is reportedly acquiring coding platform Windsurf for $3 billion, continuing its strategy of buying up any company that might help programmers remain employed for a few more months.
At press time, all three major AI labs were competing to see who could release the most powerful model with the least amount of safety testing, a competition industry insiders are calling “The Manhattan Project, But For Making Shareable Content.”
