NVIDIA LOSES $5.5 BILLION AS GOVERNMENT DECLARES “SORRY, YOUR FANCY MATH ROCKS CAN’T GO TO CHINA ANYMORE”
In what financial experts are calling “the most expensive game of keepaway since my divorce,” Nvidia stocks plummeted faster than a tech bro’s dating prospects after the Trump administration slammed the door on their China chip party.
TURNS OUT SELLING SMART SAND TO “COMPLICATED” COUNTRIES IS FROWNED UPON
The tech giant’s specially designed H20 chip—created specifically to comply with previous export controls and named after what executives apparently drink instead of alcohol—now requires a “special license” to sell in China for the “indefinite future,” which in government terms means “when hell freezes over or lobbying money appears, whichever comes first.”
“This is like building a car that meets all emissions standards, then being told you can’t sell it because it might potentially be driven past a gas station,” explained Dr. Chip Restricted, Professor of Obviously Political Economics at Make America Compute Again University.
THE FINANCIAL EQUIVALENT OF STEPPING ON A DIGITAL LEGO
The $5.5 billion hit represents what industry analysts call “a f@#king astronomical amount of money” and what Nvidia shareholders call “a reason to panic-sell faster than toilet paper in early 2020.”
Sources inside Nvidia report that CEO Jensen Huang responded to the news by putting on a second leather jacket and staring intensely at a wall for six consecutive hours.
“We designed this chip specifically NOT to do the things the government didn’t want it to do,” said company spokesperson Penny Processor. “But apparently that’s still too much computing power. What are they afraid of? That China might develop an algorithm that can finally explain TikTok dances to people over 40?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH CONFUSION
Financial analyst Dr. Monie Gon explained the situation while visibly sweating: “About 97.3% of people pretending to understand this situation have no f@#king clue what an AI chip actually does. But they know $5.5 billion is a lot of money, so they’re panicking accordingly.”
Independent research suggests that approximately 89% of Americans believe AI chips are either “the things making self-checkout machines hate me personally” or “something that gives robots feelings.”
AMERICA’S NEW EXPORT STRATEGY: JUST SAY NO
The Trump administration’s approach to technology export has been described as “building a digital Iron Curtain with the construction skills of a toddler with safety scissors.”
When reached for comment, a White House spokesperson who asked to remain nameless but was wearing a name tag reading “DEFINITELY NOT PETER” stated: “We believe the best way to maintain technological superiority is to simply not sell our cool stuff to countries that might use it to make their own cool stuff. It’s basically the ‘you can’t sit with us’ approach to international trade relations.”
Industry insiders predict Nvidia will now focus on developing a new chip called the “F-U2” specifically designed to comply with whatever arbitrary restrictions might be announced next Tuesday at 2:37 PM when someone important needs a distraction from something else.
In the meantime, Nvidia shareholders are reportedly consulting with therapists, financial advisors, and liquor stores in roughly equal measure.
