TRUMP’S “AMERICA FIRST” AI DREAMS HIT ROADBLOCK AS TEXAS REPUBLICANS SUDDENLY REMEMBER THEY HATE REGULATION EXCEPT WHEN THEY DON’T
In a twist that has shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, Donald Trump’s grandiose plans to Make American AI Great Again face significant delays because Texas Republicans suddenly discovered their love for regulatory red tape when it applies to things they don’t understand.
EVERYTHING’S BIGGER IN TEXAS, INCLUDING THE HYPOCRISY
The same Texas Republicans who would fight to the death for your right to own a flamethrower without a background check have decided that data centers, those mysterious buildings full of humming boxes that make their Facebook work, need extra special government oversight.
Trump’s ambitious “Stargate” project, which sounds like something he came up with while watching SyFy Channel at 3am, aims to build 20 massive data centers to power America’s AI dominance over China. Unfortunately, the project failed to account for Texas lawmakers’ ability to cockblock progress while simultaneously claiming to be pro-business.
“COMPUTERS ARE SCARY AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND THEM”
“These data centers use water and electricity, and as a conservative, I believe nothing should use resources except oil companies,” explained Texas State Representative Buck “Freedom” Johnson, who coincidentally receives 98.7% of his campaign funding from traditional energy companies.
Dr. Oblivious Contradiction, a political scientist specializing in Republican cognitive dissonance, weighed in: “This is actually quite consistent behavior. Texas Republicans have always supported a hands-off government approach to business, except when it involves technology that might threaten their donors, women’s bodies, or books containing facts.”
TRUMP’S REALITY DISTORTION FIELD HITS TEXAN FIREWALL
Sources close to Trump report that when informed of the Texas legislation, he threw his McDonald’s fish sandwich across the room and screamed, “I thought we owned Texas! I won it by like 900%!”
The Stargate project, already behind schedule because someone forgot to tell Trump that “AI” doesn’t actually mean “American Interests,” now faces potential years of delays as Texas Republicans demand environmental impact studies they would normally set on fire if they applied to oil drilling.
MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU
Industry analyst Emma Logical points out the stunning irony: “Trump spent years dismantling regulations faster than a toddler with a Lego tower, and now his signature tech initiative is being strangled by Republican-created red tape. It’s like rain on your wedding day, except the rain is stupidity and the wedding is America’s technological future.”
According to completely made-up statistics that feel true, 87% of Trump’s tech advisors are currently in the fetal position under their desks, wondering how to explain to a man who thinks “the cyber” is a person that his AI dominance plan is being thwarted by his own political allies.
AMERICA FIRST, UNLESS TEXAS SAYS NO
As the situation unfolds, experts predict the most likely outcome is Trump declaring that he never actually wanted to build data centers in the first place, followed by a 3am Truth Social rant blaming the whole thing on Hunter Biden’s laptop.
In a final ironic twist that would make George Orwell reach for the bourbon, Texas Republicans will likely continue their crusade against this specific type of infrastructure while simultaneously campaigning on their unwavering support for infrastructure and American technological dominance.
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering relocating the entire project to Florida, where Governor Ron DeSantis has promised to fast-track approval in exchange for Trump acknowledging his existence.
