NVIDIA BEGS FOR PITY WITH $500BN “PLEASE DON’T HURT US, MR. PRESIDENT” OFFERING
In what experts are calling the most expensive dinner bill in human history, Nvidia announced plans to build up to $500 billion worth of AI infrastructure in America after CEO Jensen Huang apparently sh!t himself during appetizers at Mar-a-Lago earlier this month.
DINNER AND A SHAKE DOWN
Sources close to the situation report that Trump leaned over his gold-plated soup tureen and whispered, “Nice semiconductor business you got there. Shame if something happened to it,” before casually mentioning a 9000% tariff on Taiwan-made chips. Huang reportedly swallowed his leather jacket in panic.
“This is definitely not extortion,” explained Dr. Obvious Capitulation, professor of Economic Stockholm Syndrome at Brown-Nosing University. “When a sitting president invites you to dinner and threatens to destroy your entire business model before the salad course, the American thing to do is immediately pledge half a trillion dollars to his cause.”
THE ART OF THE SQUEAL
The $500 billion investment roughly translates to one graphics card at current market prices. Nvidia plans to stretch construction over four years, or approximately one Trump presidential term, in what industry insiders are calling “a f@#king coincidence of epic proportions.”
“Listen, we just suddenly realized that America is the best place to build stuff,” said Nvidia spokesperson Blendin Knee. “It has nothing to do with the fact that the president literally threatened to murder our profit margins while eating chocolate cake.”
WHAT HAPPENS IN MAR-A-LAGO STAYS IN YOUR QUARTERLY PROJECTIONS
According to people familiar with the dinner, Huang arrived expecting a pleasant business discussion but instead found himself seated between two Russian oligarchs and a guy Trump kept referring to as “my tariff guy.”
“The president made his case very compelling,” said fictional White House economic advisor Willy Bendover. “He said ‘Taiwan, China, what’s the difference?’ while making explosion sounds and mimicking a nuclear missile with his dinner roll.”
ECONOMIC EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is just good old fashioned American capitalism,” explained financial analyst Cash Moneygrabs. “Company makes product overseas, president threatens to destroy company, company panics and pledges GDP of small nation to American infrastructure. It’s literally in the Constitution.”
Studies show that 97% of CEOs who dine at Mar-a-Lago leave with 60% less money and one complimentary MAGA hat. The remaining 3% are never seen again.
LOOKING AHEAD
Nvidia has already broken ground on its first American facility, a converted Sizzler steakhouse in Boca Raton that Trump apparently mentioned “has great potential” between bites of well-done steak with ketchup.
As Huang left the dinner, sources say Trump slapped him on the back and said, “Your chips are gonna be so American, they’ll taste like freedom and bankruptcy.” The Nvidia CEO reportedly laughed for seventeen uncomfortable minutes before being escorted to his car.
Industry analysts expect other tech companies to follow suit, with Intel rumored to be considering building a $700 billion factory inside Trump’s actual bedroom to avoid being next on the chopping block.
