TECH EXECUTIVES SCRAMBLE TO IMPLEMENT BUZZWORDS THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND AFTER GARTNER DROPS “DISRUPTOR” LIST
In what experts are calling “a f@#king panic attack in expensive suits,” tech leaders worldwide are frantically Googling terms like “polyfunctional robots” and “earth intelligence” after Gartner released its annual list of 12 emerging technology disruptors that absolutely nobody comprehends but everyone pretends to.
EXECUTIVES SUDDENLY PRETEND TO KNOW WHAT “DOMAIN-SPECIFIC LANGUAGE MODELS” ARE
Following the report’s publication, an estimated 94% of C-suite executives immediately added “AI transformation” to their LinkedIn profiles despite being unable to explain what AI actually does beyond “computer stuff, but smarter.” The remaining 6% were too busy having their assistants create PowerPoint slides with the word “disruption” in increasingly larger fonts.
“Tech leaders must take action now,” declared Gartner distinguished VP analyst Dr. Makesitup Aswegoalong, while gesturing vaguely at a wall of technobabble. “Any executive who isn’t investing at least $50 million in something with ‘intelligence’ in its name might as well start updating their resume to include ‘formerly employed.'”
LOCAL CEO SUFFERS EXISTENTIAL CRISIS IN BOARDROOM
At CloudSphere Solutions, CEO Trevor Wilkins reportedly suffered a complete breakdown during a board meeting when asked to explain his company’s strategy for implementing “earth intelligence.”
“He just started sobbing and mumbling ‘What the sh!t does earth intelligence even mean? Are we teaching dirt to think? Is the planet becoming self-aware?'” reported one anonymous board member. “Then he approved a $30 million budget for it anyway.”
CONSULTANTS REJOICE AT NEW INVOICE OPPORTUNITIES
The true winners of Gartner’s announcement appear to be consultants, who are charging upwards of $900 per hour to explain terms that they themselves learned approximately 15 minutes before their presentations.
“Business is absolutely f@#king booming,” admitted Janice Whitmore, founder of DigiTransform Advisors. “Yesterday I convinced three different Fortune 500 companies that they need ‘polyfunctional robot integration strategies’ or they’ll be obsolete by Tuesday. I have no idea what a polyfunctional robot is. I’m pretty sure I made it up, but it turns out it’s real.”
STUDY SHOWS 87% OF “DISRUPTIVE TECHNOLOGY” PRESENTATIONS JUST RANDOM WORDS NEXT TO STOCK PHOTOS
According to Professor Hugh Jassle of the Institute for Corporate Bullsh!t Studies, the majority of presentations about emerging technologies consist entirely of meaningless jargon paired with photos of diverse people looking at tablets or touching holograms.
“We analyzed over 10,000 slides and found that content quality had zero correlation with executive approval,” explained Jassle. “But each additional use of ‘seamless integration’ increased budget allocation by approximately 12%.”
DISINFORMATION SECURITY EXPERTS UNABLE TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN ACTUAL TECH TRENDS AND COMPLETE NONSENSE
In a particularly ironic twist, specialists in disinformation security have reported difficulty distinguishing between legitimate emerging technologies and complete gibberish.
“Someone asked me if our company was prepared for ‘quantum blockchain synergy pods’ and I panicked and said yes,” admitted Samantha Chen, Chief Information Security Officer at TechDynamics. “Turns out they were f@#king with me, but how was I supposed to know? Last year we spent $2 million on ‘digital transformation’ which as far as I can tell just meant getting everyone to use Slack.”
At press time, reports indicated that 73% of companies had already incorporated all 12 disruptors into their mission statements despite not implementing a single one, proving once again that in the world of tech leadership, speaking confidently about things you don’t understand is the only truly essential business skill.
