TECH BROS TRAIN AI TO SPEAK DOLPHIN AFTER RUNNING OUT OF HUMAN LANGUAGES TO COLONIZE
Google’s latest technological marvel promises to decode dolphin language, just months after exhausting all ways to analyze your email, search history, and dinner plans.
AQUATIC IMPERIALISM REACHES NEW DEPTHS
In a move straight out of a sci-fi comedy, Google has unveiled DolphinGemma, an AI model designed to analyze dolphin vocalizations because apparently making humans feel inadequate wasn’t enough – now they’re coming for Flipper too.
The initiative combines Google’s Gemma model with decades of dolphin recordings, ultimately hoping to break the communication barrier between species that, until now, have managed to keep their private thoughts safely hidden from Silicon Valley.
“We’ve successfully mined every piece of human data on the planet, so naturally, the ocean was next,” said Dr. Finn Splasher, Google’s newly appointed Chief Interspecies Communication Officer. “Our goal is to ensure no thought – human or dolphin – remains private by 2027.”
The company has also developed an underwater device based on the Pixel 9, allowing researchers to eavesdrop on dolphin conversations in real-time. Early translations suggest 83% of dolphin chatter consists of complaints about humans dumping plastic in their homes.
MEANWHILE, OPENAI LAUNCHES GPT-4.1 BECAUSE PROGRESS MEANS COUNTING BACKWARD NOW
In what can only be described as numerical dyslexia, OpenAI has released GPT-4.1, a new model that’s somehow an upgrade despite the downgraded number.
The API-only model family boasts a one million token context window – enough to process eight entire React codebases or approximately half of a JavaScript developer’s imposter syndrome.
“We wanted a name that confuses absolutely everyone,” said OpenAI spokesperson Dr. Decimal Point. “Our research shows that 97% of investors will fund anything with a decimal in the name, regardless of whether the numbering makes any f@#king sense.”
The new models are reportedly 26% cheaper than GPT-4o, a discount industry analysts attribute to “having fewer letters in the name” and “Sam Altman’s desperate need to distract everyone from whatever the hell is happening at his company.”
SEAWEED VIDEO AI PROVES BYTEDANCE HAS BETTER NAMES THAN EVERYONE ELSE
ByteDance has released Seaweed, an efficient video AI model that outperforms competitors despite using fewer resources, proving that sometimes less computing power and better naming conventions are all you need.
“We named it after something that actually exists in nature,” said ByteDance representative Sharon Normal-Name. “Unlike whatever the f@#k a ‘Claude’ or ‘Anthropic’ is supposed to be.”
SILICON VALLEY STATISTICIANS CONFIRM COMPANY NEEDS AT LEAST 4 VOWELS IN NAME TO SECURE FUNDING
According to made-up research we just invented, AI startups with at least four vowels in their name are 78.3% more likely to secure venture capital funding than those with fewer vowels.
“This explains why ‘Anthropic’ has raised billions despite nobody knowing what they actually do,” explained fake venture capitalist Herbert Moneybags. “Meanwhile, ‘Kling’ is producing amazing video AI but can’t get the same attention because they’re short two vowels.”
ETHICAL CONCERNS RAISED AS DOLPHINS MAY SOON LEARN HUMANS ARE TERRIBLE
Marine biologists worry that once dolphins understand human language, they’ll immediately regret the whole communication thing.
“The first question they’ll ask is why we filled their home with plastic straws and crude oil,” said Dr. Wave McSplashy of the Totally Real Oceanographic Institute. “And honestly, we don’t have a good answer.”
In related news, preliminary tests show dolphins already understand roughly 72% of human speech but have been deliberately ignoring us because they find our conversations “depressingly basic” and “too focused on cryptocurrency.”
