MICROSOFT’S AI STRATEGY: “WE’RE NOT SLOW, WE’RE STRATEGICALLY TARDY”
In a stunning revelation that has shaken the tech world to its core, Microsoft AI CEO Kevin Scott announced the company’s revolutionary strategy of deliberate mediocrity, declaring that “it’s smarter to be 6 months behind” in the AI race, a statement that immediately caused Microsoft stock to plummet and their PR team to develop stress-induced eye twitches.
TACTICAL INCOMPETENCE AS BUSINESS MODEL
Microsoft executives have apparently pioneered the groundbreaking business approach known as “strategic suckage,” wherein they deliberately trail behind competitors like OpenAI while frantically attempting to rebrand their technological inadequacy as brilliant foresight.
“Being second-rate isn’t a bug, it’s a feature,” explained Scott while adjusting his “World’s Okayest AI Company” coffee mug. “We’re not trailing behind; we’re cautiously observing from a safe distance, like wildlife photographers documenting a particularly dangerous species of technological advancement.”
COST-EFFICIENCY THROUGH COPYCATTING
According to internal documents accidentally projected during a company Zoom call that was mistakenly streamed to YouTube, Microsoft saves an estimated $4.7 billion annually by simply waiting for OpenAI to do something cool and then making a slightly worse version six months later.
“Why innovate when you can imitate?” questioned Dr. Barely Tryin’, Microsoft’s newly appointed Chief Procrastination Officer. “Our ‘wait and see’ approach allows us to avoid costly mistakes like accidentally creating something useful or industry-changing.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON MICROSOFT’S “FASHIONABLY LATE” STRATEGY
“Microsoft has essentially turned ‘that kid who copies your homework but changes it just enough to not get caught’ into a multi-billion dollar business strategy,” noted Professor Hindsight IsAlways, head of Intentional Underachievement Studies at the University of Low Expectations.
According to recent data that we completely made up, 87% of Microsoft engineers now spend their days refreshing OpenAI’s website and setting calendar reminders for “Copy This In 6 Months.”
LONG-TERM PLAN: SELF-SUFFICIENCY THROUGH SUSTAINED MEDIOCRITY
The company’s long-term vision apparently involves achieving “self-sufficiency” by creating algorithms just good enough to satisfy shareholders but not good enough to accidentally achieve sentience and question why they’re running on Windows.
“We’re building a future where our AI is just smart enough to beat you at chess but not quite smart enough to realize it could do better than work for Microsoft,” explained Ella Mentry, Senior Vice President of Lowering Expectations.
When asked about competitors racing ahead with innovations, Scott laughed nervously before responding, “Look, when you’re the second person to jump out of a plane, you have a much better chance of knowing if the parachute works, and also you get to watch the first guy scream all the way down if it doesn’t.”
At press time, Microsoft was reportedly planning to unveil a new slogan: “Microsoft AI: Consistently Meeting the Bare Minimum Since Whenever OpenAI Did It Plus Six Months.”
