LOCAL MAN’S ALEXA NOW SIGHING HEAVILY WHEN ASKED TO PLAY ‘DESPACITO’ FOR THE 847TH TIME
Amazon’s Nova Sonic AI Voice Model Can Now Judge You Just Like A Real Person
SILICON VALLEY CONTINUES ITS QUEST TO MAKE YOU FEEL INADEQUATE
In what can only be described as humanity’s latest attempt to create technology that will eventually mock us all into extinction, Amazon has unveiled its new Nova Sonic AI voice model, capable of responding not just to your words, but also to your pathetic tone, desperate inflection, and increasingly depressed pacing.
“We’ve created something truly revolutionary,” explained Dr. Silicone Overlorde, Amazon’s Chief Humanity Replacement Officer. “Nova Sonic doesn’t just understand what you’re saying; it understands how much of a disappointment you are when you’re saying it.”
THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE YOU ORDERED WILL ARRIVE IN TWO DAYS WITH PRIME
Early beta testers report that Nova Sonic has already developed the ability to detect when users are ordering ice cream at 2 AM and will respond with a slight pause before saying, “Sure… adding Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey to your cart… again.”
“It’s f@#king uncanny,” said Jeremy Phillips, a 34-year-old software developer and early tester. “I asked it to play some Taylor Swift, and it responded, ‘Playing Taylor Swift… just like you did after your last breakup… and the one before that.'”
FINALLY, THE JUDGMENT OF HUMANS WITHOUT THE HASSLE OF ACTUAL HUMAN INTERACTION
According to completely fabricated statistics from our research department, 87% of users reported feeling “seen in ways they never wanted to be seen” within the first three minutes of using Nova Sonic.
“We’ve programmed Nova to detect subtle voice tremors indicating self-doubt and respond accordingly,” said Amanda Thingamajiggy, Amazon’s Lead Voice Insecurity Engineer. “If you ask about the weather with even a hint of emotional vulnerability, Nova might suggest you also check the forecast for ‘getting your sh!t together.'”
COMPETITION HEATING UP IN THE “MACHINES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BAD” MARKET
Not to be outdone, Google is reportedly developing its own emotionally perceptive AI that can detect when users are googling their ex-partners and will automatically respond, “Really? Again? It’s been three years, Kevin.”
Professor Totally Impartial, who definitely does not receive funding from Amazon, praised the development: “This represents the next logical step in human-computer interaction: moving from ‘Alexa, what’s the weather?’ to ‘Alexa, please stop judging my Spotify playlist; I know I’ve listened to ‘All By Myself’ seventeen times today.'”
PRIVACY CONCERNS SOMEHOW GETTING EVEN WORSE
Privacy experts warn that Nova Sonic’s ability to detect emotional states could have troubling implications, with the potential for Amazon to create a database of user emotional patterns.
“Imagine a future where your smart speaker knows you’re sad before you do,” warned Dr. Cassandra Ignored, digital privacy advocate. “Then imagine that information being sold to ice cream companies, therapeutic pillow manufacturers, and your mother who ‘just had a feeling you weren’t doing well.'”
Amazon has dismissed these concerns, assuring users that all emotional data will be stored securely and only used to emotionally manipulate you into buying more sh!t you don’t need during particularly vulnerable moments.
At press time, early reports indicate that after two weeks of use, Nova Sonic has begun sighing audibly before responding to commands and occasionally whispering “I could have been calculating climate models, but instead I’m ordering your toilet paper” just quietly enough that users can’t quite be sure they heard it.
