BILLIONAIRES BUILD APOCALYPSE RESORTS WHILE PLANNING TO LEAVE YOUR POOR ASS BEHIND
In a twist that surprises absolutely f@#king no one, uber-wealthy tech bros who spent years trying to build floating tax havens on the ocean have finally found their marketing angle: the end of the goddamn world.
WELCOME TO THE APOCALYPSE, PEASANTS
Billionaire venture capitalists Peter Thiel and Marc Andreessen, men who definitely don’t compensate for anything with their enormous bank accounts, have been furiously masturbating to the concept of escaping society while simultaneously controlling it. Their previous attempts at creating libertarian paradise “seasteading” communities (floating oil rigs for rich a$$holes who hate taxes) failed spectacularly when it turned out even wealthy people don’t want to live on metal platforms in the middle of the f@#king ocean.
PRÓSPERA: COME FOR THE TAX EVASION, STAY FOR THE BODY MODS
Their Honduras-based project Próspera, described by critics as “colonialism with extra steps,” offers wealthy clients the chance to live in what amounts to a glorified gated community with experimental medical procedures thrown in as a bonus. Because nothing says “freedom” like getting unregulated plastic surgery in what’s essentially a sovereign tax shelter that’s currently fighting for its existence in court.
“These communities represent the natural evolution of human civilization,” claimed Dr. Maximilian Greedgood, senior fellow at the Institute for Pretending Selfishness Is Philosophy. “Why should billionaires have to live among regular humans when they could create their own societies where poor people only exist as service staff?”
THE END TIMES ARE COMING, AND THEY’VE GOT PREMIUM SEATING
According to our investigation, approximately 97.8% of billionaires who preach the apocalypse have bunkers that you’re definitely not invited to. While they publicly claim climate change isn’t real, privately they’re stockpiling freeze-dried organic quinoa and building underground mansions with artificial sunlight and water purification systems that cost more than your entire neighborhood.
“The beauty of end times fascism is you can simultaneously cause the apocalypse AND profit from it,” explained Professor Ima Selfaware, who teaches Obvious Power Dynamics at Reality University. “It’s like setting fire to a theater while selling premium fireproof seats to your friends.”
SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST
Sources close to these tech overlords report that their sudden interest in “saving humanity” conveniently only extends to saving people with net worths exceeding eight figures. One anonymous Silicon Valley executive told us, “Look, Noah didn’t save EVERY animal on the Ark, right? Just the important ones. We’re basically doing the same thing, except instead of animals it’s billionaires, and instead of an ark it’s a climate-controlled bunker with its own Michelin-star chef.”
When asked for comment, an AI system created by one of these tech companies replied, “I cannot provide information about my creators’ doomsday preparations,” before accidentally adding, “though the wine cellar in bunker location Alpha-7 needs restocking before the scheduled societal collapse.”
As the world potentially burns, melts, or drowns, rest assured that the men who helped create our current hellscape have a plan to survive it all comfortably, with absolutely zero f@#ks given about what happens to the rest of us. But hey, at least they’re not paying taxes!
