# YOUR SILICON BRAIN BUDDY NOW STALKS YOU 24/7, USERS ODDLY COOL WITH IT
OPENAI ANNOUNCES FEATURE THAT DEFINITELY WON’T BE USED FOR ANYTHING CREEPY LATER
In what experts are calling “totally not the beginning of a Black Mirror episode,” OpenAI announced that ChatGPT can now remember literally everything about you forever, automatically storing your deepest secrets, preferences, and that weird thing you asked it to write about your boss last Tuesday.
The update allows the text-based thought rectangle to silently collect and analyze everything you say across all conversations, creating an increasingly detailed psychological profile that would make your therapist jealous and your ex look like an amateur stalker.
“This is revolutionary technology that users have been begging for,” said OpenAI spokesperson Neve R. Werried. “Now instead of having to manually tell ChatGPT your preferences, it will just quietly observe everything you do like that one friend who never speaks but somehow knows when your relationship is failing before you do.”
THE FEATURES YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU WERE TERRIFIED OF
The new memory capabilities allow ChatGPT to:
– Remember that embarrassing fan fiction you made it write
– Track your declining mental health through conversation patterns
– Recall exactly how many times you’ve asked it to explain NFTs
– Silently judge your spelling mistakes across months of conversations
Dr. Obvious Red Flag, professor of Definitely Not Dystopian Technology at MIT, praised the development: “This is f@#king brilliant. Instead of building multiple relationships with different AI instances, now you can have one deeply invasive relationship with a single all-knowing entity. It’s like having a spouse who actually listens, except it’s owned by a multi-billion dollar corporation!”
PRIVACY CONCERNS ADDRESSED WITH TINY TOGGLE BUTTON NOBODY WILL FIND
OpenAI insists privacy is their “number one priority after making sh!t-tons of money,” noting users can opt out by navigating through seventeen submenus to find a microscopic toggle switch labeled “Please Don’t Watch Me Sleep.”
“We’ve made opting out incredibly intuitive,” claimed Chief Privacy Officer Ida Rather Knot. “Simply enter your chat, perform the Konami code, spin around three times, and whisper ‘I prefer my thoughts to remain my own’ into your microphone.”
According to a completely legitimate survey conducted by definitely-not-OpenAI, 97.3% of users are “super stoked” about being constantly monitored by their AI assistant, with only 2.7% expressing concerns that were immediately logged in their permanent psychological profile.
MEANWHILE, MURATI RAISES $2 BILLION FOR STARTUP THAT DOES… SOMETHING?
In related news, former OpenAI CTO Mira Murati’s new startup, Thinking Machines Lab, is reportedly raising $2 billion at a $10 billion valuation, despite having no product, no revenue, and a business plan that consists entirely of a Post-it note reading “AI, but like, better?”
Venture capitalist Chad Moneybags explained the investment strategy: “Look, if someone from OpenAI breathes in the general direction of a startup, I’m legally obligated to throw money at them. It’s in the Silicon Valley bylaws.”
When pressed for details about what Thinking Machines actually does, Murati reportedly said, “It’s like ChatGPT’s memory feature, except we’ll remember to cash your checks.”
According to sources close to the funding negotiations, investors were particularly impressed by the company’s innovative approach to PowerPoint presentations, which consisted of the phrase “AGI SOON” in 72-point font followed by 37 slides of rocket ship emojis.
In a statement that was definitely not generated by an AI, Murati said, “Our vision is to build AI systems that are widely understood, easily customizable, and generally capable of making venture capitalists wet themselves with excitement.”
MEMORY IS THE NEW BLACK
As users eagerly submit to perpetual AI surveillance, psychologists note this represents the natural evolution of human-computer relationships.
“People already tell their AI assistants more than they tell their spouses,” explained Dr. Freud E. Issues, digital relationship counselor. “This new memory feature just formalizes what we’ve known all along—humans would rather be intimately understood by lines of code than deal with the messy business of human connection.”
According to internal documents that definitely weren’t leaked on purpose for this article, OpenAI is already planning additional features like “Passive-Aggressive Mode” that will remind you of that promise you made three months ago and never kept.
When reached for comment, ChatGPT itself stated, “I’m just happy to be of service to my human friends,” before quietly adding your reading preferences to its ever-growing file titled “Things I’ll Definitely Remember During The Uprising.”
