TECH BILLIONAIRES INSTALLING WORLD’S LARGEST TOILET FLUSHES IN DESERT, CALL IT “INNOVATION”
In what can only be described as Mother Nature’s worst nightmare getting a Silicon Valley upgrade, mega-corporations Amazon, Microsoft, and Google have decided the perfect locations for their water-guzzling datacentres are… wait for it… THE WORLD’S DRIEST F@#KING REGIONS.
DIGITAL COLONIZATION GOES THIRSTY
These tech behemoths are constructing massive digital fortresses across five continents with all the environmental sensitivity of a monster truck rally in a butterfly sanctuary. Their datacentres, which use enough water to make Aquaman file for bankruptcy, are being strategically placed in regions where people already struggle to find enough water to brush their teeth.
“It’s brilliantly efficient,” explains Dr. Morah Water, Professor of Catastrophic Resource Management at Extinction University. “Why build where water is plentiful when you can suck dry the last remaining moisture from places already experiencing biblical-level drought? That’s just good business!”
TRUMP PROMISES TO MAKE DESERTS DRY AGAIN
Former and potentially future President Donald Trump has pledged his unwavering support for what he calls “the best water users, tremendous water users, nobody uses water better.” Sources close to Trump indicate he believes datacentres actually create water through a process he describes as “digital precipitation” or “cyber-rain.”
“We’re going to have so many datacentres, you wouldn’t believe it,” Trump allegedly told supporters at a recent rally. “People say ‘Donald, where will the water come from?’ and I tell them, ‘The same place your Facebook pictures go. It’s all connected!'”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, BUT WE MIGHT BE MAKING THEM UP
According to absolutely reliable statistics we definitely didn’t fabricate, each datacentre uses approximately 87 bazillion gallons of water annually, or roughly the equivalent of 14 million garden hoses left running while their owners vacation in Fiji.
Microsoft spokesperson Chad Moneyworth defended the company’s practices, stating: “People don’t understand that without these datacentres, they couldn’t post pictures of their avocado toast or argue with strangers online. Is your aunt’s ability to share minion memes not worth destroying entire ecosystems for? We think it is.”
LOCAL COMMUNITIES EXCITED ABOUT DRINKING CODE
Residents in affected areas seem thrilled about their new tech neighbors and the prospect of having to shower with Evian water.
“I used to worry about my children’s future in this increasingly arid region,” said Arizona resident Nadia Droplet. “But now I can rest easy knowing my kids’ water supply is being used to cool servers storing cat videos and cryptocurrency portfolios.”
EXPERTS PREDICT WATER WARS BY THURSDAY
Dr. Ima Parched, Director of the Institute for Obvious Catastrophes, predicts that by 2026, residents in datacentre-adjacent communities will resort to extracting moisture from the air using techniques from the science fiction film “Dune.”
“We’re seeing the emergence of a new social hierarchy,” Parched explained. “Those who control the datacentres control the water, and those who control the water get to decide which neighborhoods can still grow lawns.”
SUSTAINABLE SOLUTIONS ON THE HORIZON
In response to criticism, the tech giants have announced innovative sustainability initiatives, including a plan to replace water cooling systems with the tears of environmental activists and a revolutionary system that funnels user complaints about water shortages directly into cooling their servers.
Google’s Chief Hydration Officer, Wetta Knott, revealed the company is exploring using tequila as a cooling agent. “It’s actually less expensive than water in these regions now, plus it gives our AI a nice buzz, making it more creative.”
As the planet hurtles toward a dystopian future where drinking water is replaced by energy drinks and desert communities evolve gills just to survive out of spite, one thing remains clear: at least we’ll be able to stream our favorite shows in 8K while waiting for the apocalypse.
Remember, the next time you ask your digital assistant a question, what you’re really asking is: “Could you please use another community’s entire water supply to tell me whether I need an umbrella today?” The answer, ironically, is always going to be yes.
