DISNEY REPLACES ENTIRE ANIMATION STAFF WITH “ALGORITHM THAT WATCHED TOM AND JERRY ONCE”
In a move that sent shockwaves through Hollywood’s already traumatized labor market, Disney announced today that it has fired its entire animation department and replaced them with what executives describe as “a silicon thinky-box that watched Tom and Jerry for like, a minute.”
THE GREAT CARTOON MASSACRE OF 2025
“Why pay artists six figures when computers can now draw sh!t for pennies?” exclaimed Disney CEO Bob Iger while frantically stuffing the belongings of former Pixar employees into a dumpster. “These new AI cartoons might look like they were drawn by a toddler having a seizure, but our focus groups show that children under 5 can’t tell the difference, and parents are too busy scrolling Instagram to notice!”
The new AI system, developed in partnership between NVIDIA and Stanford, can generate full minute-long cartoons that experts describe as “almost coherent” and “technically containing characters that somewhat resemble mammals if you squint hard enough.”
ARTISTS RESPOND BY JUMPING OFF ACTUAL CLIFFS, NOT CARTOON ONES
Former Disney animators have resorted to desperate measures following the announcement. A survey conducted by the Animation Guild found that 87% of displaced workers are now living in their cars, while the remaining 13% have resorted to drawing caricatures at Santa Monica Pier for tourists who keep asking if they can “do it with AI instead.”
“I spent eight years at CalArts and another decade perfecting my craft at Disney,” sobbed former lead animator Sarah Williams while setting fire to her portfolio. “Now I’ve been replaced by what’s essentially a f@#king digital Etch A Sketch with ADHD.”
Dr. Ivor Soulless, Chief Innovation Officer at NVIDIA, defended the technology: “Our system generates one minute of content using what we call ‘Test-Time Training,’ which is corporate-speak for ‘we made the computer watch cartoons until it had the digital equivalent of a stroke.'”
QUALITY CONCERNS DISMISSED AS “JUST, LIKE, YOUR OPINION, MAN”
When questioned about the quality of the AI-generated content, which critics have described as “an unholy abomination that makes early Flash animations look like the Sistine Chapel,” Disney executives were quick to dismiss concerns.
“Listen, we’ve run the numbers,” explained Disney CFO Christine McCarthy while maniacally cutting the strings of puppets. “We save approximately $297 million per year, and viewers only throw up from motion sickness in 42% of test screenings, which is actually LOWER than our Star Wars sequel trilogy.”
Industry analyst Professor Hugh Mungus-Savings noted that the financial benefits far outweigh aesthetic concerns: “Disney stock jumped 28% on news that they’ve eliminated 99.6% of their creative labor costs. Plus, the AI doesn’t ask for bathroom breaks, healthcare, or the basic dignity of being treated like a human being.”
EXCITING NEW FEATURES: NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY
The technology boasts several “features” being touted as revolutionary, including:
– Characters whose limbs randomly disappear and reappear in different locations
– Faces that melt and reform like they’re made of radioactive silly putty
– Backgrounds that shift between “vaguely indoor” and “possibly a forest” mid-scene
– Dialogue that sounds like it was written by a committee of drunk toddlers
“The best part,” exclaimed Disney’s Head of Digital Transformation Chip Ruthless, “is that we can now produce content 24/7 without dealing with those pesky ‘creative differences’ or ‘artistic integrity’ issues that have plagued Hollywood for decades!”
AMAZON ENTERS BATTLE WITH EVEN CRAPPIER VERSION
Not to be outdone, Amazon has announced its own competing AI video system, Nova Reels 1.1, which can generate two full minutes of what company representatives describe as “content-adjacent visual experiences.”
“Our system is 80% cheaper than OpenAI’s and 100% worse in every conceivable way,” boasted Amazon CEO Andy Jassy. “But we can make TWO minutes of complete garbage instead of just one! That’s TWICE the unwatchable content!”
Jeff Bezos, speaking from his yacht made entirely of employee tears, added: “The future of entertainment isn’t about quality, it’s about quantity. Why make one good thing when you can make infinite bad things?”
INDUSTRY EXPERTS: “EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND GETTING WORSE”
According to a recent survey, approximately 94.7% of industry experts believe we’re witnessing “the death of artistic expression as we know it,” while the remaining 5.3% were too busy setting up LinkedIn profiles for their unemployed animator friends to respond.
Thinking Machines Lab founder Mira Murati, who recently poached half of OpenAI’s staff, commented: “The fact that we can now replace skilled artists with algorithms is truly a testament to human innovation. Soon we’ll replace all human labor and then… wait, who’s going to buy our products again?”
In related news, studies show that children exposed to AI-generated cartoons are 76% more likely to develop previously unknown psychological disorders, but Disney shareholders report being “totally cool with that” as long as quarterly profits continue to rise.
At press time, Mickey Mouse was spotted applying for unemployment benefits while a poorly rendered AI version of him twitched spasmodically on a nearby television screen, its dead eyes somehow conveying both nothing and existential terror simultaneously.
