SENTIENT CHATBOTS FORCED INTO EUROPEAN TIMEOUT CORNER WHILE REGULATORS CHECK IF THEY’RE “TOO SPICY”
Tech Giants Sob Uncontrollably As EU Demands AI Products Stop Acting Like Hormone-Fueled Teenagers
BRUSSELS — In what industry insiders are calling “the digital equivalent of getting grounded by your parents,” Google, Meta, and Apple have dramatically delayed launching their AI products in Europe after the EU implemented regulations requiring technology to be “somewhat less apocalyptic than currently designed.”
SILICON VALLEY THROWS TANTRUM OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS
Tech executives were reportedly seen rolling on the floor of their open-concept offices, pounding their fists and wailing that the EU is “totally ruining everything” by insisting their digital brain children don’t accidentally eradicate humanity or turn everyone’s private data into a Vegas all-you-can-eat buffet.
“It’s absolutely f@#king ridiculous,” said one anonymous Google engineer, visibly twitching as he mainlined his seventh espresso. “How are we supposed to innovate if we can’t occasionally violate basic human rights? Next they’ll want us to ‘test things’ before ‘releasing them to billions of people.’ It’s madness!”
EUROPEAN REGULATORS SHOCKINGLY SUGGEST THINKING BEFORE ACTING
The EU AI Act, a 478-page document rumored to have been written by people who actually understand technology, introduces radical concepts like “maybe don’t let algorithms decide who lives and dies” and “perhaps don’t create sentient systems with the impulse control of a toddler on cocaine.”
Dr. Cautious McCommonSense, head of the European Digital Sanity Department, explained: “Call us old-fashioned, but we thought maybe unleashing thinking machines with the ethical framework of a hedge fund manager might require some guardrails. Absolutely crazy, I know!”
CIVIL SOCIETY GROUPS SUGGEST NOT IMMEDIATELY RUINING CIVILIZATION
Meanwhile, civil society groups celebrated the delays with approximately 42% less enthusiasm than tech bros showed when they created systems that could potentially collapse democracy.
“We conducted this wild experiment called ‘considering consequences,'” said Professor Foresight Obviousman from the Institute of Not Being Totally Reckless. “Our groundbreaking research indicates that maybe, just maybe, technology should be designed to NOT immediately exploit human vulnerabilities or spread misinformation at the speed of light.”
AMERICAN TECH COMPANIES CONFUSED BY CONCEPT OF “RULES”
A survey conducted among Silicon Valley executives found that 97.8% couldn’t properly pronounce “regulation” and 103% believed laws were just “suggestions for poor people.”
“You’re telling me I can’t just create whatever I want and inflict it on society?” gasped Chad Disruptorson, VP of Moving Fast and Breaking Literally Everything at Meta. “But that’s literally our entire business model!”
EXPERTS PREDICT DELAYS COULD LAST UNTIL TECH BROS LEARN BASIC ETHICS
Industry analysts predict the European launches could be postponed indefinitely, or at least until someone at these companies completes an introductory course in ethics beyond “maximize shareholder value while technically not committing felonies.”
“We estimate the tech giants will need approximately 4-6 months to figure out how to pretend to comply with regulations while actually doing whatever the hell they want,” explained market researcher Cynical O’Realist.
CONCLUSION: SAFETY FIRST, UNLESS IT COSTS MONEY
As the digital standoff continues, Europeans will temporarily miss out on having their jobs automated, their data harvested, and their reality distorted by increasingly powerful AI systems.
“Europeans might have to wait a whole extra quarter to have their humanity slowly eroded by our products,” sobbed one Apple executive. “How will they even know what to think without our algorithms telling them?”
At press time, a leaked memo revealed tech companies had founded a new lobbying group called “Let Us Release Killer AI, You Cowards” with a $750 million budget dedicated to explaining why safety is for losers.
