TRUMP VOWS TO MAKE AMERICA EMIT AGAIN, ORDERS COAL PLANTS TO PUMP SKY FULL OF “FREEDOM PARTICLES”
In a bold move that has climate scientists reaching for both their research papers and their liquor cabinets, President Donald Trump signed four executive orders Tuesday designed to resurrect the coal industry from its well-deserved grave, citing the growing power demands of data centers, AI, and electric vehicles as justification for this environmental middle finger.
COAL: IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER, APPARENTLY
The President, standing before a backdrop of coal miners who appeared to be questioning their life choices, proudly announced his plan to keep coal-fired power plants pumping the atmosphere full of what he repeatedly referred to as “beautiful, clean freedom particles.”
“Nobody does coal better than me,” Trump declared while caressing a lump of anthracite. “The windmills, they’re killing all the birds. All of them. Just yesterday, zero birds. Coincidence? I think not.”
EXPERTS PREDICT RISE IN “WHAT THE F@#K” EMISSIONS
Dr. Ima Scientist, director of the Institute for Obviously Bad Ideas, estimates that Trump’s coal revival plan could increase national “what the f@#k” emissions by up to 800% overnight.
“This is like watching someone reinstall Windows 95 on a brand-new MacBook Pro,” said Professor Claire Carbon of Environmental Reality University. “We’re literally going backwards at a time when the planet is sending us unmistakable signals that it’s preparing to evict us as tenants.”
Meanwhile, coal executive Richie McDollarsign couldn’t contain his excitement. “It’s a fantastic day for prehistoric energy solutions! Next week, we’re bringing back whale oil lamps and steam-powered iPhones.”
SILICON VALLEY GENIUSES CONFUSED ABOUT WHY THEIR TESLAS NOW RUN ON DINOSAUR REMAINS
The executive orders specifically cite the growing energy demands of data centers, AI development, and electric vehicles as justification for keeping coal plants operational, creating what experts are calling “the most ironic energy policy since we tried to power solar panel factories with diesel generators.”
Tech billionaire Elon Must-Not-Be-Named was reportedly seen banging his head against a SpaceX rocket while mumbling, “You’re telling me my self-driving cars are powered by the same sh!t that caused the industrial revolution? What’s next, steam-powered StarLink satellites?”
ENVIRONMENTALISTS SUGGEST ALTERNATIVE: “LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE”
Environmental groups have responded with outrage, with 97% of climate scientists independently deciding to take up drinking as a hobby.
“This is like trying to solve a hangover by doing more shots,” said Sierra Club spokesperson Treelover McGreen. “We have this crazy idea that maybe we should power our future technology with, I don’t know, FUTURE ENERGY SOURCES?”
According to a completely fabricated poll conducted by our staff during happy hour, 89% of Americans would prefer their electricity come from “literally any other source” including “hamsters on wheels,” “my ex’s endless supply of hot air,” and “whatever the f@#k fusion is.”
WHITE HOUSE UNVEILS NEW SLOGAN: “MAKE ASTHMA GREAT AGAIN”
The White House has defended the move, with Press Secretary Spinny McSpokesface explaining, “The President believes Americans have a God-given right to see what color the sky was during the 1800s.”
Energy Secretary Coal McCoalerson added, “Wind and solar are just so boring. They just sit there silently making electricity without giving anyone black lung. Where’s the drama in that?”
At press time, Trump was reportedly considering additional executive orders to bring back leaded gasoline, asbestos insulation, and cigarette commercials featuring doctors, because apparently making America great again requires recreating all the things that nearly killed our grandparents.
