TERMINALLY ONLINE NERDS HAVE PIXEL ORGASMS AS MIDJOURNEY V7 DEBUTS, SCIENTISTS CONCERNED FOR HUMANITY’S FUTURE
Midjourney’s latest image generator has thousands of basement-dwelling adults screaming with joy while producing photorealistic images of cats wearing Victorian clothing that never existed and never should
SILICON VALLEY FEVER DREAMS
The tech world collectively wet itself yesterday as Midjourney released its V7 AI image generator, unleashing a tsunami of eerily realistic fake images onto social media platforms already drowning in actual misinformation. Users immediately began creating and sharing their “masterpieces,” primarily consisting of anatomically impossible women in fantasy landscapes and food that looks delicious but would absolutely kill you if it existed.
“This is revolutionary technology,” exclaimed Dr. Ima Notreal, professor of Digital Delusions at the University of Your Mom’s Basement. “We’ve finally created a system that allows people with zero artistic talent to flood the internet with images that took them four seconds to type rather than four years to learn how to create properly.”
THE PERSONALIZATION NOBODY F@#KING ASKED FOR
V7 comes equipped with default personalization features that somehow know exactly what kind of weird sh!t you’re into before you even type it. Early tests show the system is 97% accurate at predicting whether you’ll request “majestic dragons soaring over mountains” or “thicc anime girls with physics-defying proportions.”
“The personalization algorithm works by analyzing your browser history, dating profile rejections, and how long you’ve gone without touching actual grass,” explained Midjourney spokesperson Chad Realname, while nervously adjusting his definitely-not-AI-generated face.
UPCOMING FEATURES PROMISE TO FURTHER ERODE REALITY
Future updates will include enhanced Moodboards, allowing users to collate images that perfectly capture the vibe of “existential dread but make it cottagecore,” and SREF technology, which stands for “Seriously Realistic Enough to Fool your grandparents on Facebook.”
ARTISTS WORLDWIDE CONSIDERING CAREER CHANGES
A recent survey found that 89% of traditional artists are now questioning their life choices, with 64% actively learning to code and 23% simply lying face-down on their studio floors.
“I spent 20 years perfecting my craft only to be outpaced by someone typing ‘gorgeous sunset painting, hyper-detailed, trending on ArtStation’ into a text box,” sobbed renowned painter Brush McCanvas. “At this point, I’m considering becoming an influencer or perhaps just screaming into the void professionally.”
HUMANITY’S COLLECTIVE BRAIN CELLS CONTINUE THEIR STEEP DECLINE
Psychologist Dr. Seymour Brainz warns that society may be approaching a critical inflection point where nobody knows what’s real anymore and nobody cares.
“When anyone can create photorealistic images of literally anything in seconds, we’re basically f@#ked as a species,” Dr. Brainz noted while generating images of himself with awards he hasn’t won. “Our study shows that 78% of people under 25 can no longer distinguish between AI-generated images and reality, and the remaining 22% are too busy creating fake vacation photos to impress people they hate.”
As of press time, 14 million new AI-generated images had been uploaded to social media, 9 million of which featured cats doing human activities in improbable locations, leaving future anthropologists to inevitably conclude our civilization worshipped feline gods right before our inevitable collapse.
