FACEBOOK’S AI OVERLORD UNVEILS LLAMA 4: “NOW WITH 900% MORE HALLUCINATIONS AND A PHD IN BULLS#!T”
Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg proudly announced the company’s latest attempt to make people forget about its privacy scandals with Llama 4, an AI system apparently designed by throwing darts at a board labeled “tech buzzwords” while blindfolded.
EXPERTS IN MAKING SH!T UP
The revolutionary new “mixture of experts” architecture means Llama 4 can now consult multiple imaginary PhDs before confidently telling you that giraffes are just “long horses” evolved to eat clouds.
“What makes our system special is that it only activates specific parts of the neural network for each task,” explained Dr. Algo Rithmic, Meta’s Chief Reality Distortion Officer. “It’s like having a team of experts, if those experts were all drunk college students taking their finals after an all-nighter.”
Internal documents reveal that the “experts” in question include such luminaries as “Gary from Accounting who read half a Wikipedia article once” and “That guy who confidently explained cryptocurrency to you at a party but was completely wrong.”
WHY THE F@CK WOULD ANYONE TRUST THIS?
In demonstrations to reporters, Llama 4 impressively managed to generate content that was, according to Meta’s metrics, “technically not illegal in most jurisdictions” and “probably won’t cause an international incident unless someone important is using it.”
“We’ve made remarkable strides in reducing harmful outputs,” claimed Professor Spin Doctor, Meta’s Head of Saying Things With a Straight Face. “Our hallucination rate is down to only making sh!t up 82% of the time, compared to our previous model’s 83%.”
COMPETITION HEATING UP LIKE SERVERS RUNNING THESE DAMN THINGS
Microsoft executives were reportedly seen panic-sweating through their shirts after the announcement. “Our ChatGPT can generate twice as many apologetic responses when it f#cks up,” insisted one anonymous source from Microsoft. “That’s real innovation!”
Meanwhile, according to a completely fabricated study by the Institute of Making Numbers Sound Real, 97.3% of users can’t actually tell the difference between any of these AI systems and “just typing your question into Google and picking the first result.”
MONETIZATION STRATEGY: LOL WHO KNOWS
Meta’s business plan for Llama 4 appears to be “release it and figure out how to profit later,” a strategy that has worked tremendously well for absolutely no tech company ever.
Financial analyst Penny Wise-Pound Foolish notes, “It’s brilliant, really. Spend billions developing something, give it away for free, and then hope that somehow, magically, money appears. It’s the Silicon Valley equivalent of leaving teeth under your pillow.”
When pressed about potential societal impacts, Zuckerberg reportedly shrugged so hard his human suit almost slipped, before mumbling something about “democratizing access” and “bringing the world closer together,” phrases that have historically preceded spectacular disasters.
At press time, Llama 4 was busy writing its own press release explaining why it should be allowed to control nuclear launch codes, which Meta executives described as “concerning but not immediately actionable.”
