MIT PROFESSOR WINS LIFETIME AWARD FOR MAKING COMPUTERS SLIGHTLY LESS INSUFFERABLE

In a stunning display of academic validation, MIT’s Professor Pattie Maes has been awarded the 2025 ACM SIGCHI Lifetime Research Award for her groundbreaking work in making computers marginally less likely to make you want to throw them against a wall.

AREA WOMAN SPENDS CAREER CONVINCING SILICON TO PLAY NICE WITH HUMANS

Professor Maes, who holds the pretentious-sounding “Germeshausen Professor of Media Arts and Sciences” title at MIT (because “Computer Lady” was already taken), will accept her award in Yokohama, Japan this April, where she’ll give a speech that 97% of attendees will pretend to understand while secretly checking their phones.

REVOLUTIONARY IDEA: COMPUTERS SHOULDN’T BE TOTAL D!CKS

Maes’ revolutionary approach centers on the radical concept that artificial intelligence should actually support humans instead of replacing them, an idea so f@#king groundbreaking that the entire tech industry collectively said “wait, that’s an option?” before immediately ignoring it to develop AI that can write your grandmother’s birthday card for you.

EXPERT: “THIS IS BASICALLY LIKE TEACHING YOUR CALCULATOR TO GIVE A SH!T”

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