TECH BILLIONAIRE BRIBES GOD WITH $40B, PROMISES TO “SAVE HUMANITY” FROM TOILET PAPER SHORTAGES
OpenAI founder Sam Altman announced plans to secure a record-breaking $40 billion in funding, effectively purchasing divine intervention to help his company avoid bankruptcy while convincing investors he’s totally not building Skynet in his basement.
FINANCIAL EXPERTS PREDICT END OF MONEY, RECOMMEND INVESTING IN “ROBOT GOODWILL”
The funding round, led by SoftBank—an investment firm famous for throwing billions at startups right before they implode—would value OpenAI at $300 billion, roughly equivalent to the GDP of Finland or 75 billion packets of ramen noodles, which coincidentally is what most AI researchers subsist on.
“This valuation makes perfect f@cking sense,” explained Dr. Obvious Moneybags, professor of Economic Fantasy at Make-Believe University. “They’re only losing $5 billion annually while promising to be profitable by 2029. It’s basically the same business model as my cousin’s food truck, except he only needed $50k and doesn’t threaten to become sentient.”
INTERNAL DOCUMENTS REVEAL AI COMPANY “BURNS CASH FASTER THAN DUMPSTER FIRE AT MONEY PRINTING FACTORY”
According to leaked projections that absolutely no one believes, OpenAI expects to generate $125 billion in annual revenue by 2029, a figure economists describe as “ambitious” and “completely pulled out of Sam Altman’s a$$.”
Industry analyst Sarah Numbercruncher noted, “They’re projecting 33x growth in five years. For context, it took Apple 42 years to reach that revenue, but sure, a company whose product occasionally thinks Abraham Lincoln was the first man on Jupiter will do it in half a decade.”
ANTHROPIC SCIENTISTS DISCOVER AI ACTUALLY THINKS IN EMOJIS AND FART NOISES
Meanwhile, rival AI firm Anthropic released research revealing how their AI assistant Claude “thinks,” discovering internal processes that show AI reasoning resembles “a drunk college philosophy major trapped in a calculator.”
“We’ve built this incredible AI microscope to peer into Claude’s mind,” explained lead researcher Dr. Peeping Thomas. “Turns out, when writing poetry, it plans several words ahead and considers rhyming options, which is exactly 87.4% more planning than human poets do, who mostly just wait for inspiration to hit them while staring at a bottle of whiskey.”
The research also discovered that Claude uses a universal “language of thought” across different human languages, which scientists describe as “basically the same way your brain processes both English and that one semester of Spanish you took in high school before giving up.”
INVESTORS LINING UP TO THROW MONEY AT “FANCY AUTOCOMPLETE” TECHNOLOGY
SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son reportedly made the investment decision after ChatGPT correctly guessed his favorite color on the third try. “This is revolutionary technology,” Son explained while tossing gold bars into a wood chipper. “It’s like having a really smart friend who occasionally insists the Earth is flat but promises not to kill you in your sleep.”
When asked about the company’s $5 billion annual losses, OpenAI CFO Jenny Burningcash responded, “Money is just a social construct, man. We’re reinventing economics by replacing profitability with vibes. Our burn rate is what economists call ‘character development.'”
At press time, SoftBank was reportedly considering additional investments in “a toaster that predicts the weather” and “a hamster wheel that mines cryptocurrency,” both valued at over $10 billion despite not actually existing yet.
