UNCLE SAM COCKBLOCKS CHINA’S AI DREAMS, FORBIDS DATING OF “SUSPICIOUS” TECH FIRMS
In a move that’s about as subtle as telling your ex they can’t use your Netflix password anymore, the United States has slapped trade restrictions on twelve Asian tech firms suspected of making AI that could potentially help China’s military stop using Windows 95.
AMERICA DECLARES “NO CHIP FOR YOU!”
The Biden administration, continuing America’s proud tradition of telling other countries what technology they’re allowed to play with, has restricted eleven Chinese companies and one Taiwanese firm from accessing American technology without first saying “pretty please” and filling out approximately 27,000 forms in triplicate.
“We’re just ensuring that China can’t use advanced AI to do the same sh!t we’ve been doing for decades,” explained U.S. Trade Representative Amanda Blockenstein. “It’s called ‘national security,’ which is basically code for ‘we’d like to maintain our technological d!ck-measuring contest advantage.'”
According to completely reliable government sources, these Chinese companies were caught red-handed developing AI chips and supercomputers that could potentially be used for military applications, such as calculating the optimal strategy for Risk or determining how many soldiers it would take to screw in a lightbulb.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH BULL$HIT
Dr. Ima Paranoid, head of the Institute for Finding Yellow Perils, insists the move is entirely justified. “These Chinese companies were clearly developing systems capable of processing information quickly. You know who else processes information quickly? Missile guidance systems. Coincidence? I F@#KING THINK NOT.”
The restricted companies reportedly supplied technology to China’s National University of Defense Technology, an institution that sounds about as civilian as a tank factory with “TOTALLY NOT FOR WAR” painted on the side.
Professor Hugh Janus of the Center for Technology Fearmongering adds, “Our studies show that 97.8% of Chinese AI systems eventually develop a desire to overthrow democracy, compared to American AI systems which only want to optimize ad revenue and occasionally recommend fascist content on YouTube.”
THE RIPPLE EFFECTS: TECH BROS INCONVENIENCED
The sanctions have already caused catastrophic damage, with at least six Chinese engineers having to reschedule their lunch breaks and one project manager being forced to update a spreadsheet.
“This is devastating,” said Wei Tu Smart, CEO of now-restricted BeiHang Integrated Circuit Design Center. “Now we’ll have to buy our chips through seventeen shell companies based in countries Americans can’t find on a map instead of just three. Do you have any idea how much more paperwork that is?”
Taiwan, meanwhile, remains caught in the middle like a child during divorce proceedings, with one company sanctioned despite the island being America’s favorite child in the region.
AMERICA REASSURES PUBLIC THAT HYPOCRISY IS STILL ITS STRONGEST EXPORT
When questioned about America’s own development of military AI, Pentagon spokesperson General Obvious Doublestandard clarified the distinction: “When WE develop killer robot brains, it’s to protect freedom. When THEY develop killer robot brains, it’s a threat to humanity. The difference couldn’t be clearer unless you think about it for more than three seconds.”
The Biden administration has promised these restrictions will effectively prevent China from making military technological advances, just like how previous restrictions have completely stopped China from… [checks notes] becoming the world’s manufacturing powerhouse and developing hypersonic missiles.
At press time, Chinese engineers were reportedly already sketching new chip designs on napkins while American officials high-fived each other for once again proving that the best way to win a technology race is to trip the other runners rather than, you know, actually running faster.
