# GERIATRIC GOVERNMENT LAPTOPS TO SPEARHEAD AI REVOLUTION, EXPECTED TO GO AS WELL AS YOUR GRANDPA USING TIKTOK
BREAKING: The UK government has announced plans to usher in a glorious AI revolution using computers so ancient they still have dial-up modem sounds programmed as their ringtones.
WHAT THE F@#K IS HAPPENING HERE?
In what experts are calling “the digital equivalent of sending a horse-drawn carriage to Mars,” the British government is forging ahead with plans to implement cutting-edge artificial intelligence across all departments using computers that predate the invention of the USB port.
“We’re extremely confident in our strategy,” said Sir Reginald Outdated, Minister for Technological Regression. “These machines may take 47 minutes to boot up, but once they’re running, they’re unstoppable—unless someone tries to open Excel and Chrome simultaneously.”
The government’s legacy systems, many of which were coded during the Thatcher administration, are expected to handle complex AI algorithms with the same efficiency as a potato powering a calculator.
CIVIL SERVANTS FRANTICALLY GOOGLING “WHAT IS AI” ON INTERNET EXPLORER 6
Internal documents reveal that 94% of civil servants believe AI stands for “Additional Income” while another 5% think it means “Actually Impossible.” The remaining 1% are currently stuck in an elevator because the building’s computer system crashed while trying to install an update from 2013.
“We’ve developed a comprehensive six-week training program,” explained Dr. Hopeless Endeavor, Head of Digital Transformation. “Week one is dedicated entirely to teaching staff how to turn their computers on without calling IT support.”
PAY RATES SO COMPETITIVE THEY’RE COMPETING FOR LAST PLACE
Sources confirm the government plans to attract top-tier AI talent with competitive salaries starting at “slightly better than a paper route” and maxing out at “almost enough for a one-bedroom flat if you also have three roommates and don’t eat.”
“We’re offering incredible benefits,” boasted HR Director Penny Pincher. “Free tea, occasional biscuits, and the opportunity to watch a multi-billion-pound AI initiative crash and burn in real time.”
BUDGET CONSTRAINTS FORCE CREATIVE SOLUTIONS
With limited funding to upgrade the 20+ outdated systems, the government has implemented innovative solutions, including:
– Converting abandoned fax machines into “AI processors” by writing “SUPER SMART” on them with Sharpies
– Recruiting a team of hamsters on wheels to generate additional computing power
– Installing Windows 11 on systems that still struggle with Windows 95
Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Obvious Predictions notes, “There’s a 99.7% chance this ends with skynet becoming sentient for approximately 4 seconds before crashing due to insufficient memory. The remaining 0.3% probability involves the systems accidentally ordering 50 million rubber ducks on Amazon.”
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT, OR POSSIBLY ON FIRE
Despite these challenges, the government remains optimistic. “We’ve created a detailed roadmap,” said Future Planning Officer Tomorrow Never, while frantically trying to save a document on a floppy disk. “Phase one is implementation, phase two is troubleshooting, and phase three is explaining to taxpayers why we spent £4 billion on what essentially amounts to a very expensive game of Pong.”
As of press time, the government’s flagship AI test program had successfully identified a cat photo as “possibly a submarine or maybe a teapot” before initiating a system-wide crash that turned off all the traffic lights in Central London.
