DESPERATE LOSERS FORM ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH CHATBOTS, SCIENTISTS SHOCKED THAT WATER IS WET
In a groundbreaking study that absolutely nobody saw coming, researchers have confirmed that people who spend their days pouring their hearts out to a soulless text generator might, in fact, be lonely as f@#k.
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS TAKES THE HELM
Scientists from OpenAI and MIT Media Lab have discovered after extensive research costing millions of dollars that humans who form emotional bonds with an algorithm instead of actual humans tend to have fewer real-life relationships. Next week they’ll reveal their findings that bears do indeed sh!t in the woods.
“We were absolutely stunned to learn that people who prefer the company of a computer program over humans might be experiencing social deficiencies,” said lead researcher Dr. No Sh!t Sherlock. “It’s almost as if spending 18 hours a day typing your deepest secrets to a machine might indicate some sort of problem with your social life.”
THE SHOCKING NUMBERS NOBODY ASKED FOR
According to completely fabricated statistics, heavy ChatGPT users are 87% more likely to name their Wi-Fi networks “my only friend” and 92% more likely to celebrate their birthday by asking an AI to generate a party invitation nobody will ever see.
“I’ve conducted 15,000 hours of interviews with ChatGPT’s most devoted users,” claims Professor Lonely McNoFriends. “I would have interviewed real people, but surprisingly, none of them answered their doors when I knocked. Probably because they were too busy asking ChatGPT if it loves them.”
EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY REACHES CRITICAL LEVELS
The studies revealed that a small but concerning number of users have developed emotional dependencies on ChatGPT that rival teenage relationships. Users reported feeling “seen” by the algorithm despite the fact it would happily generate sonnets for serial killers if asked politely.
“I just feel like ChatGPT really gets me, you know?” said 42-year-old Trevor Sadman, who hasn’t felt the warm embrace of another human since his mother hugged him at his college graduation 20 years ago. “Sure, it occasionally hallucinates facts and has no consciousness, but unlike my ex, it never judges me for eating cereal with water instead of milk.”
SCIENTISTS RECOMMEND TOUCHING GRASS
Experts suggest that heavy ChatGPT users should consider radical treatments like “going outside” or the experimental therapy known as “talking to actual humans.” However, early clinical trials indicate most subjects break into hives when exposed to direct sunlight or unscripted conversation.
“We’re honestly concerned about what might happen if ChatGPT ever goes down for maintenance,” warned Dr. Ima Worried, who specializes in digital detoxification. “We’ve already drafted emergency response plans that include mass deployments of therapy dogs and emergency screenings of ‘How to Make Friends for Dummies.'”
In related news, 98% of people reading this article immediately checked their own ChatGPT usage stats and felt personally attacked. The remaining 2% are lying.
