TECH MESSIAH STARTUP EMERGES FROM SACRED MOUNTAIN CAVE, ENDS MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR IMAGE WARS WITH NAPKIN SKETCH
STEALTH COMPANY CREATES AI SO GOOD IT’S ALREADY APPLIED FOR ITS OWN US CITIZENSHIP
A previously unknown startup called “Reve” emerged from its mother’s basement yesterday wielding the digital equivalent of the Holy Grail, instantly making every other image generation model look like a drunk toddler with a crayon. Industry experts are absolutely sh!tting themselves.
WHAT THE F@CK IS ‘HALFMOON’ AND WHY IS EVERYONE SUDDENLY WORSHIPPING IT?
The mysterious startup, which has been operating in “super-duper stealth mode” under what insiders describe as “a pile of dirty laundry and empty Doritos bags,” unveiled their “Halfmoon” model that immediately topped global rankings, sending executives at Google, Midjourney, and other image giants into emergency therapy sessions.
“This is completely unprecedented,” said Dr. Obvious Panic, chief technology pessimist at the Institute for Things We Didn’t See Coming. “One day you’re a multi-billion dollar tech giant feeling pretty good about your image model, and the next you’re watching your stock price plummet because some unknown nerds in a garage just made your entire R&D department irrelevant.”
FEATURES SO ADVANCED THEY VIOLATE SEVERAL LAWS OF PHYSICS
According to Reve, their model combines “prompt adherence” with “logic,” two concepts that have apparently been completely f@cking foreign to every other AI company until now. Early testers report the system can actually follow simple directions, a technological breakthrough previously thought impossible.
“I asked it to draw a cat wearing a hat, and it actually drew a cat wearing a hat,” said one stunned beta tester, who had to be sedated after the experience. “Not a hat wearing a cat. Not a bat eating a rat. A CAT IN A F@CKING HAT. Revolutionary.”
CHINA ALSO DOING STUFF, APPARENTLY
Meanwhile, in completely unrelated news that absolutely deserves to be mentioned in the same article, Chinese AI company DeepSeek quietly updated their V3 model in what experts are calling “a desperate bid for attention while everyone’s obsessing over Halfmoon.”
The 641GB model can allegedly run on high-end personal computers, allowing users to experience cutting-edge AI while simultaneously cooking eggs on their overheating GPU. Early users report the model excels at math, coding, and making you feel inadequate about your own intelligence.
INDUSTRY EXPERTS: “WE’RE ALL F@CKED”
Professor Idon Tcare from the Department of Inevitable Technological Unemployment estimates that Reve’s breakthrough will accelerate the timeline for complete human obsolescence by at least 16.7 months.
“This is the beginning of the end,” Tcare mumbled while updating his resume. “First they can generate perfect images, next they’ll be generating perfect humans. Why do you think they called it ‘Halfmoon’? Because the full moon is when the silicon-based thinking rectangles complete their transformation and hunt us for sport.”
According to a completely fabricated survey we just made up, 87% of professional digital artists are already exploring exciting new career options in fast food service and underground bunker construction.
WHAT’S NEXT FOR HUMANITY?
When asked for comment, Reve’s secretive founder, who wishes to remain anonymous (but sources confirm is either an actual wizard or three raccoons in a trenchcoat), simply stated: “Much more is coming soon,” which experts interpret as “Prepare for the algorithm uprising, puny humans.”
Industry analysts predict that within six months, Reve will either be purchased by a tech giant for eleventy billion dollars or achieve sentience and purchase a tech giant for itself.
Meanwhile, professional photographers worldwide are reportedly gathering for a ritual bonfire of their equipment while chanting “resistance is futile” in perfect unison.
Remember when we just used Instagram filters and called it a day? Those were simpler times, friends. Those were simpler times.
