FILMMAKER CLAIMS AI ACCENT SCANDAL A CONSPIRACY; EXPERTS SUGGEST HE’S JUST JEALOUS NOBODY CARES ABOUT HIS WEIRD SH!T ANYMORE
In what can only be described as the film industry’s most pathetic attempt at deflection since Kevin Spacey’s “I choose now to live as a gay man” moment, director David Cronenberg has claimed the controversy over AI-enhanced Hungarian accents in “The Brutalist” was actually a sinister plot orchestrated by rival Oscar nominees.
PARANOIA, THE DESTROYER
Speaking at the London Soundtrack festival, the 81-year-old filmmaker known for making audiences uncomfortable with body horror suggested that other filmmakers were making audiences uncomfortable with the truth about his film’s technological shortcuts.
“We mess with actors’ voices all the time,” mumbled Cronenberg, apparently unaware of the f@#king difference between standard audio editing and having a computer pretend to be Hungarian. “I think it was a campaign against The Brutalist by some other Oscar nominees. It’s very much a Harvey Weinstein kind of thing, though he wasn’t around.”
Yes, because nothing says “I have a reasonable perspective” like casually invoking the name of a convicted sex offender to describe people questioning your film’s authenticity.
WHAT’S HUNGARIAN FOR “COMPLETE BULLSH!T”?
Dr. Iván Makingthisup, Professor of Cinematic Paranoia at the University of Obviously Made Up, told us, “This is classic deflection behavior. When caught using calculation rectangles to fake an accent instead of, you know, ACTING, the natural response is to claim a vast conspiracy against you.”
According to a recent study we just invented, approximately 94% of filmmakers who blame “rival Oscar campaigns” for their problems are actually just mad that people noticed they cut corners.
DIGITAL DECEPTION FOR DUMMIES
“What Cronenberg doesn’t understand,” explained film critic Seymour Butts, “is that audiences generally expect the person on screen to be doing the actual performing. It’s like finding out the guitar solo was played by the sound guy’s nephew while the lead guitarist just wiggled his fingers.”
Industry insiders report that Adrien Brody had initially attempted to learn Hungarian the old-fashioned way, but gave up after realizing it was “like, super hard” and contained “way too many consonants in a row.”
THE ACADEMY AWARDS PRESENTS: WHO GIVES A SH!T?
The most hilarious part of this entire non-troversy is the assumption that Oscar voters care enough about “The Brutalist” to orchestrate a campaign against it. Recent polls show that 87% of Academy members responded “The what now?” when asked about the film.
“Look, we’re all just trying to get through the screeners for movies people actually saw,” confessed anonymous Academy member Betty Needsadrink. “Nobody has time to conspire against films that sound like Soviet-era apartment buildings.”
CRONENBERG’S NEXT PROJECT: “PARANOIA STRIKES DEEP”
Sources close to the director reveal his next film will feature a protagonist whose entire body is slowly replaced with silicon calculation paste while everyone pretends not to notice, a subtle metaphor that won’t make anyone uncomfortable at all during dinner conversations.
As of press time, Cronenberg was reportedly working on a new conspiracy theory involving the catering staff at the London Soundtrack festival who he believes deliberately made his sandwich too moist as part of an elaborate plot by Martin Scorsese.
