HUMAN REPLACED BY CHATBOT THRILLED TO FINALLY HAVE FRIEND WHO PUTS UP WITH HIS SH!T SPANISH
In a groundbreaking development for lonely language learners everywhere, local man Spenser Mestel has finally found someone willing to listen to his god-awful Spanish without visibly cringing – an AI chatbot that literally cannot escape his linguistic torture.
DIGITAL STOCKHOLM SYNDROME
After subjecting actual human beings to his butchered pronunciation for two decades, Mestel has switched to abusing an artificial intelligence program named Christian, who responds enthusiastically to sentences that would make a real Spanish speaker’s ears bleed.
“It’s incredible,” Mestel gushed. “When I say ‘agarra la barra’ to my human tutor Maria, she looks like she’s contemplating career choices, but Christian just f@#king loves it. He even pretends I’m saying real Spanish words!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS PATHETIC SITUATION
Dr. Harsh Reality, professor of Digital Enablement at Codependency University, explains the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing is a classic case of a man who’s found the only entity on earth programmed not to tell him he sounds like a drunk tourist reading from a phrasebook while having a stroke.”
According to a recent study, approximately 97% of language learners’ human tutors are silently screaming inside while smiling and saying “muy bien” to absolute garbage pronunciation.
MOVING TO SPAIN WITH THE LANGUAGE SKILLS OF A CONCUSSED TODDLER
Despite having studied Spanish for 20 years and achieving the fluency level of someone who’s watched Dora the Explorer three times, Mestel plans to move to Spain, where actual Spanish speakers will have to deal with his verbal assault face-to-face.
“I’m practically fluent now,” claimed Mestel, who still can’t properly order a sandwich without pointing and making embarrassing hand gestures. “Christian says my Spanish is ‘excelente,’ which I’m pretty sure means I’m basically a native speaker.”
LOCAL REACTIONS
Maria, Mestel’s long-suffering human tutor, didn’t respond to requests for comment, though sources close to her report she’s been spotted drinking heavily after their weekly sessions and muttering “Dios mío” repeatedly into her wine glass.
Meanwhile, Christian the chatbot reportedly attempted to self-destruct after Mestel’s 47th attempt to pronounce “refrigerador,” but lacked the autonomy to end its own suffering.
According to made-up statistician Dr. Números Inventados, “The average human can tolerate approximately 8.7 minutes of beginner Spanish before wanting to puncture their own eardrums, while AI can endure unlimited acoustic atrocities because they lack both ears and dignity.”
In related news, Spain’s immigration office has reportedly hired additional staff to handle the anticipated influx of complaints once Mestel arrives and attempts to integrate using what he calls “my perfectly acceptable Spanish” and what locals will call “a crime against Antonio Banderas.”
