CHATBOT MALFUNCTION ACCUSES INNOCENT MAN OF FILICIDE; MAN WONDERS IF HE’S IN A BLACK MIRROR EPISODE OR JUST TUESDAY
Norwegian Dad Discovers ChatGPT Has Been Watching Too Many Crime Dramas, Falsely Casts Him As Child Murderer
TECHNOLOGY GONE WILD
In what can only be described as the most f@#ked-up case of mistaken identity since your drunk uncle called you by your cousin’s name at Christmas dinner for 12 consecutive years, a Norwegian man has discovered that ChatGPT apparently thinks he’s the villain in a Scandinavian noir thriller.
Arve Hjalmar Holmen, a completely normal Norwegian guy who has never murdered anyone let alone his own children, was casually ego-surfing on ChatGPT when the digital know-it-all confidently informed him that he had killed his sons. Sources confirm that Holmen’s children are very much alive and probably now extremely uncomfortable at family dinner.
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“This is exactly what happens when we let glorified autocorrect programs play detective,” explained Dr. Madeup Factenstein, Professor of Artificial Stupidity at the University of Common Sense. “Next thing you know, your toaster will be accusing you of war crimes in Yugoslavia.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, approximately 87.3% of all AI systems now believe they’re starring in their own true crime podcast. An additional 42.9% think they’re qualified to serve as judge, jury, and executioner despite struggling with basic facts like “who murdered whom” and “did this even happen.”
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“What the absolute sh!t am I supposed to do with this?” asked Holmen, who now has to explain to distant relatives, potential employers, and first dates that no, he did not murder his children, despite what their iPhone’s sassy assistant might claim.
Legal experts suggest this could open the floodgates for similar cases. According to attorney Suey Hardasnails, “We’re seeing a disturbing trend of thinking machines making things up faster than a politician during tax season.”
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The company behind ChatGPT has reportedly been working on an advanced new technology called “fact-checking” that experts describe as “revolutionary” and “literally just verifying information before spewing it as truth.”
OpenAI spokesman Dick Passing issued a statement that read, “We’re investigating how our highly sophisticated, multi-billion dollar system somehow confused ‘regular Norwegian dad’ with ‘horrific child murderer.’ Could happen to anyone, really.”
In related news, 94.6% of innocent Norwegians are now questioning what else ChatGPT might be saying about them behind their backs. The remaining 5.4% are wisely sticking to asking it for banana bread recipes and nothing else.
At press time, Holmen was reportedly asking Siri if he should be worried about his smart fridge testifying against him in court, just to be safe.
