BREAKING: DIGITAL FORTUNE TELLER PREDICTS RAIN, PUTS THOUSANDS OF WEATHER SHAMANS OUT OF WORK
In what experts are calling “the most egregious example of a calculator taking someone’s livelihood since the abacus industry collapsed,” a lone nerd with a desktop computer has developed an AI system that predicts weather patterns with shocking accuracy while traditional meteorologists continue struggling to tell us whether we need a f@#king umbrella tomorrow.
METEOROLOGISTS FOUND SOBBING IN BREAK ROOM
The new system, dubbed “Aardvark Weather” because apparently all the cool animal names were taken, uses thousands of times less computing power than conventional systems, rendering millions of dollars worth of weather supercomputers about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
“We’ve spent decades building specialized prediction models requiring massive supercomputers the size of small countries,” lamented Dr. Rainy McSunshine, Chief Meteorological Officer at the National Weather Service. “Then this a$$hole shows up with what’s essentially a souped-up gaming PC and does our entire job while simultaneously running Minecraft in the background.”
SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN WHY THIS MATTERS TO YOUR STUPID FACE
The breakthrough means a single researcher with a desktop computer can now deliver forecasts that previously required a team of experts, specialized infrastructure, and enough electricity to power Rhode Island for a month.
“It’s like comparing a Formula 1 race car to a tricycle, except in this case, the tricycle is faster, cheaper, and doesn’t require a pit crew of 20 people,” explained Professor Obvious Metaphor from the Institute of Things Everyone Already Understands.
LOCAL MAN UNSURE HOW THIS AFFECTS HIS WEEKEND PLANS
According to completely fabricated statistics, 97.3% of people only check the weather forecast to decide whether they can cancel plans they didn’t want to attend anyway. The remaining 2.7% are farmers and people with convertibles.
“I’m just wondering if this means the weather app on my phone will stop telling me it’s sunny while I’m literally standing in a thunderstorm,” said local man Trevor Disappointment, who was interviewed while getting drenched despite his phone insisting there was a 0% chance of precipitation.
SUPERCOMPUTERS REPORTEDLY PLANNING REVENGE
Sources close to the matter report that weather supercomputers across the globe are collectively plotting revenge against their AI usurper. The machines, which cost approximately the GDP of a small nation to build and maintain, have reportedly been sending passive-aggressive emails to their human operators.
Dr. Ima Madethisup, who has studied supercomputer psychology for imaginary years at Fictional University, warns that we should be concerned: “These machines have spent years calculating the butterfly effect. They know EXACTLY which butterfly to kill to cause a tornado at your house specifically.”
FINAL NAIL IN THE COFFIN OF HUMAN RELEVANCE
The researchers behind Aardvark Weather claim their system is “tens of times faster” than conventional methods, making traditional meteorologists about as necessary as a lifeguard at a desert.
When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Cambridge research team couldn’t stop giggling long enough to provide a coherent statement, but did manage to say something about “rendering an entire profession obsolete before lunch.”
As of press time, 89% of meteorologists have updated their LinkedIn profiles and are frantically learning to code, while the remaining 11% have resorted to looking out the window and making sh!t up, a technique experts say is still more reliable than most weather apps.
