GOOGLE’S SENTIENT COMPUTERS WILL DEFINITELY NOT HARVEST YOUR ORGANS WHILE YOU SLEEP, PINKY PROMISE
In what can only be described as the tech world’s most expensive LinkedIn profile video, “The Thinking Game” offers viewers an intimate look at how the geniuses at Google DeepMind plan to accidentally end humanity while wearing Patagonia vests.
MEET YOUR NEW OVERLORDS, THEY COME IN BUSINESS CASUAL
The documentary follows DeepMind founder Demis Hassabis, a former chess prodigy who apparently decided conquering 8-year-olds at board games wasn’t challenging enough and instead pivoted to creating silicon-based thinking rectangles that will eventually decide whether humans deserve electricity.
“We’re not creating just regular AI,” explains Hassabis while casually juggling what appear to be the building blocks of consciousness, “we’re creating AGI – Artificial General Intelligence – which is basically AI that can do sh!t you never asked it to do.”
CORPORATE PROPAGANDA SO SLICK YOU’LL FORGET TO BE TERRIFIED
Director Greg Kohs employs every filmmaking trick short of subliminal messaging to convince viewers that the billionaires controlling our digital infrastructure are just regular, relatable guys who happened to stumble into positions where they can potentially reprogram reality.
“These tech visionaries are simply humble servants of mankind,” notes media critic Dr. Gullible McNotsuspicious. “The fact that Google funded 97% of this film’s budget should in no way impact your perception of its objectivity.”
THE CUDDLY FACE OF DIGITAL DOMINATION
Hassabis emerges as the documentary’s protagonist, portrayed as an endearing genius with an interesting multicultural background that the film mentions exactly 46 more times than necessary.
“What makes Demis so special is his unique ability to appear non-threatening while potentially building the last invention humans will ever need to make,” explains Eric Schmidt, former Google CEO and current champion of wearing button-downs with no tie to appear more relatable to the humans he definitely considers equals.
TECHNICAL JARGON EXPLAINED FOR IDIOTS WHO THINK AI JUST MAKES SINGING CATS
For viewers whose understanding of artificial intelligence begins and ends with convincing their parents that celebrity nudes are real, the documentary offers dumbed-down explanations that will make you feel temporarily smart before returning to your regularly scheduled TikTok coma.
“AGI is different from AI,” explains fictional DeepMind researcher Dr. Condescending Explainer. “AI is what tags your friends in photos. AGI is what will eventually decide if your friends deserve oxygen.”
CONCLUSION: NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG
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