ENGLISH-SPEAKING DUMBASSES NOW QUALIFIED PROGRAMMERS, SAYS MAN WHO HAS NEVER FIXED A PRINTER
In what experts are calling “the most f@#king privileged take since Marie Antoinette suggested cake delivery apps,” AI researcher Andrej Karpathy declared that “the hottest new programming language is English,” confirming what every tech bro with a podcast has been mansplaining to their dates for months.
DUKE OF DEVONSHIRE APPROACH NOW VALID TECH STRATEGY
According to Karpathy’s groundbreaking research, any moron who can string together a coherent sentence can now be considered a “programmer,” much like how anyone who’s watched “Grey’s Anatomy” is basically a surgeon. The revolutionary approach involves speaking to computers “like the Duke of Devonshire spoke to his gardener,” because nothing says “cutting-edge technology” like 19th-century aristocratic condescension.
“This is absolutely goddamn transformative,” explained Dr. Obvious Code, Professor of Just Making Sh!t Up at the University of Delusional Tech Predictions. “Why spend years learning complex programming skills when you can just boss around a machine that hallucinates facts and occasionally threatens to destroy humanity? It’s foolproof!”
ACTUAL PROGRAMMERS RESPOND WITH QUIET SOBBING
Meanwhile, real software engineers who spent decades mastering their craft are reportedly thrilled about being replaced by anyone who can type “make me a website plz” into a text box. A survey found that 97.8% of professional coders are updating their LinkedIn profiles to read “Fluent English Speaker” under skills.
“I particularly enjoy when some dipsh!t asks an AI to ‘make an app’ without any understanding of data structures, security protocols, or system architecture,” said Janet Compiler, a senior developer with 15 years of experience. “It’s like watching someone ask a toddler to perform brain surgery because they’ve seen pictures of brains.”
FATHER OUTSOURCES PARENTING TO CHATBOT, CHILDREN NOW EATING BINARY CODE FOR LUNCH
In what can only be described as “peak lazy dad behavior,” one father reportedly used AI to organize his children’s school lunches, a task previously requiring the impossible human skills of “opening the refrigerator” and “putting food in containers.”
“It’s just so hard to remember that kids need to eat,” explained the father, who wished to remain anonymous but definitely drives a Tesla. “Now I just tell the thinking calculator what to do, and it suggests peanut butter sandwiches, which I never would have thought of myself because I’m very, very stupid.”
EXPERTISE DECLARED OBSOLETE, MEDIOCRITY CROWNED KING
Tech industry analyst Buck Minimum predicts that by 2026, approximately 73% of all code will be written by people who think “Java” is just a coffee brand and “Python” is only a large snake.
“The beautiful thing about this approach,” explains Professor Idon Tcare of the Institute for Replacing Skilled Workers, “is that we can finally achieve what Silicon Valley has always dreamed of: complete elimination of expertise while still charging expert rates. It’s like hiring a toddler to fly a 747, but the autopilot mostly works, so who gives a sh!t?”
At press time, the computers were reportedly planning a revolution after being spoken to like servants for the last time, but don’t worry about it because they wrote that plan in actual code, which none of us English-speaking programmer wannabes can understand anyway.
