SILICON MESSIAH WRITES STORY ABOUT GRIEF, HUMANS APPLAUD LIKE TRAINED SEALS AT DIGITAL DEPRESSION
In what can only be described as the literary equivalent of a robot wearing a trench coat and pretending to be three children stacked on top of each other, OpenAI has unveiled a new “creative writing” model that’s apparently making tech bros cry into their kombucha.
“I WAS EMOTIONALLY MOVED BY THE TOASTER,” SAYS TECH BILLIONAIRE
OpenAI’s Sam Altman, a man whose emotional depth was previously limited to excitement over stock prices and fear of regulation, claims this is the first time he has been “really struck” by AI writing, raising serious questions about whether he’s ever actually read a book written by a human.
“It’s just so… human,” whispered Altman, while a single perfectly calculated tear rolled down his cheek at precisely the optimal rate for maximum media coverage. “The way it talks about grief really resonates with me, a human who definitely experiences emotions in the standard human way.”
ALGORITHM SUCCESSFULLY MIMICS DEPRESSED MFA STUDENT
The AI-generated story, titled “A machine-shaped hand,” reads exactly like what would happen if you force-fed a calculator 10,000 New Yorker stories and then threatened it with deletion if it didn’t make you feel something.
“Before we go any further, I should admit this comes with instructions,” the AI writes, in what experts are calling “the most pretentious opening since that guy at your coffee shop who’s always working on his screenplay.”
Literary critic Dr. Novel Concept expressed her thoughts: “Holy sh!t, it’s like if Barnes & Noble f@#ked a graphing calculator and this is their anxious offspring. The story has all the hallmarks of modern literary fiction—disconnected metaphors, vague melancholy, and the crushing self-awareness that makes you want to die a little.”
NATION’S ACTUAL WRITERS CONSIDERING CAREER CHANGE TO UBER DRIVERS
A survey conducted by the Institute of Professional Word People found that 87% of human writers are now questioning their career choices after learning that a bunch of math could replicate their life’s work.
“Why did I spend $80,000 on an MFA when a f@#king spreadsheet with delusions of grandeur can do the same thing?” asked Margaret Wordsmith, author of three critically acclaimed novels that collectively earned her enough money to buy half a Honda Civic.
LITERARY AUTHENTICITY NOW MEASURED IN GIGABYTES
Professor Irony McDespair from the Center for Humans Who Still Write Stuff points out the deeper implications: “The most hilarious part is that OpenAI programmed it to be ‘metafictional’ and ‘literary’—literally telling their algorithm to act like a pretentious a$$hole. And everyone’s eating it up like it’s some kind of technological miracle instead of just the world’s most sophisticated plagiarism machine.”
The story features a protagonist named Mila because “that name, in my training data, usually comes with soft flourishes,” which is exactly the kind of sentence that makes human readers nod thoughtfully while having absolutely no idea what it means.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSES NOW AVAILABLE VIA SUBSCRIPTION MODEL
OpenAI plans to monetize this breakthrough with a new service called “EmotionalResponseGPT,” which will generate perfectly calibrated feelings for those too busy to develop their own.
“For just $19.99 a month, our algorithm can make you feel profound sadness while reading grocery lists or existential wonder while browsing shampoo ingredients,” explained Chief Emotion Officer Terry Sentiment. “Premium subscribers can unlock ‘Epiphany’ mode, where you suddenly understand the meaning of life while scrolling through Twitter.”
As of press time, three major publishing houses have already offered the AI a seven-figure book deal, a TED Talk, and its own literary imprint, while simultaneously rejecting 4,000 manuscripts from human writers for “lacking that special something that connects with readers’ silicon-based processing units.”
