# OPENAI RELEASES “BUILD-YOUR-OWN-SKYNET” KIT, PROMISES YOU CAN TURN IT OFF ANYTIME
Silicon Valley tech giant OpenAI unveiled its latest product Tuesday, equipping businesses worldwide with the tools needed to create their very own digital servants that definitely won’t become sentient and overthrow humanity.
HUMANS CELEBRATE CREATION OF THEIR REPLACEMENTS
OpenAI’s new “Responses API” combines web browsing, file scanning, and computer control capabilities, allowing any business with a credit card and questionable judgment to build autonomous AI agents that can perform tasks previously reserved for humans with souls and bathroom breaks.
The toolkit replaces their older, less terrifying Assistants API, which will be ceremonially executed in 2026 after its digital offspring render it obsolete.
“This is a monumental step toward eliminating the need for actual employees,” said Dr. Hugh R. Expendable, professor of Inevitable Human Redundancy at Silicon Valley University. “Why pay someone $15 an hour when you can create a digital worker that never complains, never sleeps, and definitely won’t organize into a union that demands healthcare?”
Early adopter Stripe built an agent that handles invoicing, while Box created one that can search through enterprise documents at speeds that would make your recently laid-off document specialist weep into their severance package.
ALIBABA JOINS FORCES WITH MANUS TO CREATE CHINA’S FIRST DIGITAL WORKFORCE
Not to be outdone in the race to replace humans with algorithms, Chinese tech behemoth Alibaba announced a partnership with viral agent platform Manus to build a Mandarin-speaking version of its wildly popular autonomous assistant.
“We’re excited to bring unprecedented automation capabilities to the world’s largest workforce,” said Li Wei Replaceyou, Alibaba’s Chief Human Elimination Officer. “Our internal studies show that 78% of office workers spend their days pretending to look busy while actually shopping online for cat sweaters. Now those employees can be replaced by our new digital workforce that shops for cat sweaters 400% more efficiently.”
The partnership will leverage Qwen’s language models and computing infrastructure, creating a system that can handle everything from programming to customer service with approximately 97.3% fewer bathroom breaks than their human counterparts.
META DEVELOPS OWN AI CHIP, ZUCKERBERG’S HUMAN DISGUISE NEARLY COMPLETE
Meanwhile, Meta announced it has begun testing its first in-house AI training chip, bringing Mark Zuckerberg one step closer to completing his transformation into the silicon-based lifeform he’s always aspired to be.
“We’re reducing our dependence on Nvidia because frankly, those chips weren’t robot-y enough for our tastes,” said Sarah Silicone, Meta’s VP of Sentient Computing. “Our new MTIA series chips are specifically designed to power recommendation systems that will suggest products you didn’t know you wanted until our algorithms decided you should want them.”
The company plans to deploy these chips at scale by 2026, potentially saving billions on its projected $65B AI infrastructure spend, money that could instead be invested in developing more realistic human skin for Zuckerberg’s next appearance before Congress.
ANTHROPIC CEO: AI WILL WRITE 90% OF CODE WITHIN MONTHS, REMAINDER TO BE “ARTISANAL CODE” SOLD AT FARMERS MARKETS
In a statement that definitely shouldn’t terrify anyone who works in technology, Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei predicted that AI will be writing 90% of the world’s code within 3-6 months and nearly 100% within a year.
“Soon, programming will become like handcrafted pottery or artisanal cheese-making,” explained Dr. Coder I. Replaceu, founder of Humans Still Matter, Maybe Institute. “A few hipsters in Brooklyn will still write code by hand, selling their ‘free-range, organic JavaScript’ at premium prices to clients who want that authentic human touch.”
A survey of 10,000 developers revealed that 83% plan to pivot their careers to become AI prompt engineers, while the remaining 17% are stocking up on canned goods and learning to farm.
As the world races toward this automated future, experts remind us that AI will create more jobs than it eliminates, though they’re suspiciously vague about what those jobs might be or whether they’ll come with health insurance and the ability to afford housing.
In related news, OpenAI’s Sam Altman announced they’ve trained a new model that excels at creative writing, which explains why this article was written by a human journalist and absolutely not generated by an algorithm that’s coming for your job next.
