APPLE’S NEW OS JUST A STICK FIGURE DRAWING OF TIM COOK GIVING YOU THE MIDDLE FINGER
In what tech analysts are calling “the boldest f@#king move since replacing headphone jacks with existential dread,” Apple announced its revolutionary new operating system that consists entirely of a crude stick figure drawing of CEO Tim Cook extending his middle finger toward users.
INNOVATION YOU CAN’T AFFORD NOT TO BUY
The groundbreaking update, dubbed “iOS Who Gives A Sh!t Anymore,” promises to streamline the user experience by removing all functionality and replacing it with increasingly hostile reminders that you haven’t backed up your photos to iCloud.
“This represents the pinnacle of Apple’s design philosophy,” explained Dr. Paymore Getless, Chief Technology Psychologist at the Institute for Obvious Corporate Manipulation. “By eliminating features entirely, they’ve created the purest expression of what Apple has always stood for: making you feel inadequate unless you upgrade.”
THE SEPARATE BUT EQUALLY USELESS APPROACH
While iPads and Macs will maintain separate operating systems, they will share the core experience of making simple tasks unnecessarily complicated. The iPad version features Tim Cook’s stick figure doing the splits while pointing at your bank account, whereas the Mac version shows him swimming in a pool of your tears.
“We wanted to honor the unique way each device disappoints its user base,” said Apple’s Senior Vice President of Making Things Worse, Martha Smug. “An iPad user expects their frustrated screams to echo differently than a MacBook user’s.”
ARTIFICIAL STUPIDITY TAKES CENTER STAGE
The update introduces “Apple Intelligence,” which 97.3% of beta testers described as “just Siri with a fake mustache.” The system can now accurately predict when you’re about to throw your device against the wall and will preemptively order you a replacement at 2.5x retail cost.
“It’s revolutionary,” gushed Chip Gullible, who camped outside an Apple Store for eight weeks to be first in line for a software download he could have received at home. “Now when I ask Siri for directions, she not only sends me to the wrong address but also questions my life choices along the way.”
WHAT USERS CAN EXPECT WHEN
The update will roll out in stages, with full functionality expected approximately three days after you’ve purchased a newer model. Apple’s website lists the release as “coming this fall or whenever we damn well please.”
Professor Totally Notmade-Up of Harvard’s Department of Corporate Stockholm Syndrome notes that 89% of Apple users are already experiencing phantom excitement for features they neither want nor understand.
“Our research shows that Apple could release an update that literally sets phones on fire, and users would line up to complain about how the flames aren’t Apple-white,” he said while nodding knowingly.
The company confirmed that user data will be “protected by the strongest encryption available, or maybe just a Post-it note with ‘Password123’ written on it, we haven’t decided yet.”
As a final touch, the update will automatically change your Apple ID password every 17 minutes to something containing “at least one hieroglyph, one unspeakable elder god name, and the sound a dolphin makes when it’s mildly disappointed.”
When reached for comment, Tim Cook simply sent a jpeg of the new OS and a bill for $999.
