TECH BROS DISCOVER HOT ROCKS UNDERGROUND, DECLARE SOLUTION TO AI ELECTRICITY CRISIS
In a groundbreaking discovery that apparently eluded human civilization until last Tuesday, Silicon Valley executives have suddenly realized that the Earth’s molten core might be “like, totally useful” for powering their guilt-inducing server farms.
NERDS SHOCKED TO LEARN PLANET HAS BEEN HIDING FREE ENERGY THIS WHOLE TIME
Tech companies, which have been consuming electricity at a rate that makes small countries look like energy conservationists, expressed collective astonishment that the giant ball of magma beneath our feet might solve their power problems.
“We’ve been looking everywhere for sustainable energy solutions,” said Chad Moneyburner, CEO of DataHogCorp. “Solar, wind, burning piles of venture capital cash. Who knew the answer was just… down?”
According to completely made-up statistics, geothermal energy could power approximately 103% of all data centers through 2030, with the remaining 3% being used to heat the hot tubs in Google’s employee relaxation centers.
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM EARTH’S CORE “PRETTY F@#KING HOT”
Dr. Obvious Observation, lead researcher at the Institute for Pointing Out Sh!t We Already Know, confirmed that the planet’s center maintains temperatures of several thousand degrees.
“It’s basically a giant battery that’s been charging for 4.5 billion years,” Dr. Observation explained while slowly banging his head against his desk. “We’ve known about this potential for decades, but apparently it only matters when ChatGPT needs more juice to write your d@mn cover letters.”
TECH COMPANIES RACE TO DRILL HOLES BEFORE THE PLANET CATCHES ON
With this “discovery,” several energy startups with names like “MagmaMind,” “CoreCompute,” and “HotRockBros” have secured approximately $17 billion in funding from venture capitalists who just learned the word “geothermal” at last month’s Aspen retreat.
“We’re planning to drill baby drill,” said Elon Muskbezos, founder of Bedrock Disruption Technologies. “If we hit the right spot, we could power server farms AND create a supervillain lair situation. It’s a win-win.”
REGULAR HUMANS ASKED TO REDUCE ENERGY CONSUMPTION SO AI CAN WRITE MORE TWEETS
Meanwhile, utility companies are already preparing residential customers for potential brownouts to ensure that data centers can continue training algorithms to distinguish between pictures of hot dogs and legs.
“It’s a small sacrifice,” explained Professor Idon Tcare, energy ethics specialist. “Sure, you might not be able to heat your home in winter, but think about how much better the AI-generated memes will be!”
Experts estimate that by 2025, approximately 78% of geothermal energy will be dedicated to generating Instagram captions and coding projects that junior developers could have done in an afternoon.
EARTH CONSIDERING COOLING CORE TO AVOID ASSOCIATION WITH TECH INDUSTRY
In an exclusive interview, the planet Earth admitted it was reconsidering its internal thermal processes after learning about the tech industry’s intentions.
“I’ve spent billions of years cultivating this molten core,” the Earth said through a spiritual medium who declined to be named. “And now some brogrammers want to use it to power their hallucinating text generators? I’m seriously considering an ice age.”
As of press time, several major tech companies were spotted filing patents on the concept of “being hot,” just to ensure they maintain control of the technology for generations to come.
