DEAD POPE WALKING: VATICAN CONFIRMS FRANCIS IS “100% ALIVE” DESPITE BEING SUSPICIOUSLY POPE-SHAPED LUMP UNDER BLANKET
The Vatican issued an urgent press release today confirming that Pope Francis is definitely, absolutely, no-questions-asked alive and not a cleverly arranged pile of vestments operated by two altar boys in a trenchcoat.
CONSPIRACY THEORIES RUN RAMPANT WHILE POPE MYSTERIOUSLY “NAPS” FOR 72 HOURS STRAIGHT
Following Pope Francis’s hospitalization for double pneumonia, social media has erupted with claims that the 88-year-old pontiff has gone to meet his employer face-to-face. The rumors gained traction when Italian TikToker Ottavo strolled casually into Rome’s Gemelli hospital with all the difficulty of walking into a Starbucks.
“There’s no security at all, nothing whatsoever,” he told his followers, displaying the kind of investigative journalism skills that would make Woodward and Bernstein say “holy sh!t, why didn’t we think of that?”
VATICAN SECURITY PROTOCOLS REVEALED TO BE “JUST VIBES”
Vatican security chief Cardinal Giuseppe Whatsamatta explained their sophisticated protection strategy: “Our first line of defense is prayer, our second line is more prayer, and our third line is a guy named Tony who sometimes remembers to lock the door.”
When asked why a TikToker could waltz into the Pope’s hospital unimpeded, Whatsamatta shrugged, “We figured anyone wearing those ridiculous tight pants couldn’t possibly be a threat. Have you tried running in those things? Impossible.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON POTENTIAL PAPAL PASSING
Dr. Morticia Cadaver, leading expert in determining if old religious figures are deceased, offered her professional opinion: “Generally speaking, when someone doesn’t move for three days, it’s either the world’s most committed nap or something considerably more permanent.”
Professor Hugh R. Kidding from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions added, “Statistically, 97.8% of 88-year-old men with double pneumonia who haven’t been seen moving in public are experiencing what we in the medical community call ‘not being alive anymore.'”
VATICAN EMPLOYS WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S TACTICS TO MAINTAIN ILLUSION
Sources close to the Vatican claim they’ve been propping the Pope up during mandatory appearances using an elaborate pulley system and a battery-operated waving mechanism in his right arm.
“We just put sunglasses on him and play pre-recorded blessings,” whispered an anonymous Vatican insider. “Nobody’s noticed that he’s been giving the same blessing about loving thy neighbor for three weeks straight. Catholics aren’t exactly known for questioning authority.”
POPE’S TWITTER ACCOUNT SUSPICIOUSLY ACTIVE DESPITE ALLEGED CONDITION
The Pope’s social media presence has remained surprisingly robust during his hospitalization, prompting skepticism when his account tweeted: “Feeling blessed and totally alive today! #NotDead #StillPoping #YOLO”
Vatican social media coordinator Father Tick Tockus defended the posts, saying, “The Holy Father has always been very tech-savvy. The fact that his latest tweet included the phrase ‘no cap fr fr’ is completely consistent with his usual communication style.”
DEFINITIVE PROOF OF LIFE PROMISED “ANY DAY NOW”
Vatican spokesperson Cardinal Lyin O’Brien promised journalists that Pope Francis would soon provide “irrefutable evidence” of his continued existence.
“We’re planning a press conference where the Pope will perform a series of complex physical tasks like standing upright without assistance and blinking voluntarily,” O’Brien stated while nervously checking his watch. “We just need a few more days to work out some, uh, technical difficulties with his bodily functions.”
As of press time, the Vatican was reportedly seeking the services of renowned puppeteer Jim Henson’s company and looking into the possibility of “Pope Francis: The Hologram World Tour.”
