TECH MESSIAHS OR DIGITAL DESPOTS? BILLIONAIRES PROMISE GOLDEN AGE WHILE LEFT STILL STRUGGLING WITH DIAL-UP INTERNET
Silicon Valley’s richest motherf@#kers have declared themselves humanity’s new saviors, confidently predicting a technological paradise while the political left is still trying to figure out how to make a PDF.
In what experts are calling “the most masturbatory self-congratulation since Elon Musk named his child after his WiFi password,” a group of wealthy tech bros published a manifesto promoting “Effective Accelerationism” – apparently the belief that if we just let billionaires play with their tech toys fast enough, paradise will spontaneously erupt.
NERDS WITH MONEY WRITE MANIFESTO, WORLD SOMEHOW DOESN’T LAUGH
The manifesto, written by several “pseudonymous” San Francisco AI enthusiasts (translation: rich white guys too chickenshit to use their real names), went viral faster than that video of your mom falling at Christmas dinner. Their 10-point plan boldly claimed that “the next evolution of consciousness” was just around the corner, presumably right after they figure out how to make chatbots stop hallucinating.
“These visionaries are essentially promising us digital Jesus,” explains Dr. Reality Checkman, professor of Technological Bullsh!t Studies at Normal Person University. “They genuinely believe the salvation of humanity will come from people who couldn’t survive three days without DoorDash.”
WHY THE LEFT CAN’T MEME (OR APPARENTLY DREAM BIG)
Meanwhile, progressive forces appear technologically constipated, offering all the innovation of a Windows 95 screensaver. While Silicon Valley promises robot butlers and brain chips, the left’s boldest technological vision involves slightly better public transportation and maybe solar panels that don’t look quite so ugly.
“The problem is that 87.3% of leftists get nervous when their phone updates overnight,” says political analyst Faye Kenews. “How can you offer a compelling technological vision when you’re still suspicious of microwaves?”
SURVEY SHOWS 99% OF TECH BROS BELIEVE THEY’RE THE CHOSEN ONES
A recent totally legitimate survey found that 99% of tech executives believe they are “literally saving humanity” while simultaneously avoiding eye contact with homeless people their industry helped create.
“What these calcium-deficient tech dweebs don’t understand is that technology without social justice is just expensive toys for assh@les,” commented social theorist Professor Warren Peace. “Their idea of utopia is where everyone has a neural implant but healthcare still costs your firstborn child.”
THE ROAD TO DIGITAL HEAVEN APPARENTLY PAVED WITH VENTURE CAPITAL
The manifesto authors promise that accelerating technological advancement will create “unthinkable next-generation lifeforms and silicon-based awareness,” which coincidentally sounds exactly like what someone would say if they wanted more investment in their AI startup.
“We’re witnessing the formation of a new religion,” says cult expert Joanne McNormal. “Except instead of promising heaven after death, they’re promising it after Series C funding.”
In a final twist of irony, while writing this article, this reporter’s computer crashed three times, suggesting that perhaps the digital gods aren’t quite ready to usher in technological nirvana just yet. But hey, at least the billionaires are having fun playing with their very expensive toys while the rest of us wait for the messianic arrival of consciousness-evolving technology or, at minimum, a f@#king printer that works consistently.
