TECH BROS NOW RAIDING AUTHOR PIGGY BANKS AFTER EXHAUSTING PORN AND JOURNALISM GOLDMINES
In a move that shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, tech companies have decided that stealing content from book authors is their new favorite hobby after thoroughly plundering journalism and pornography for all they’re worth.
LITERARY THEFT JOINS TECH’S GREATEST HITS
Black Inc, an Australian publisher apparently trying to win the “Most Tone-Deaf Business Decision of 2025” award, recently asked their authors if they’d pretty please let AI companies train their algorithmic thought monsters on their life’s work for what sources describe as “approximately three dollars and a coupon for one free small coffee.”
“We’ve already strip-mined journalism, sucked the marrow from photography, and beaten the music industry like a rented mule,” explained Silicon Valley luminary Chad Dataslurp, CEO of DefinelyNotStealingYourSh!t Inc. “Books were just next on our ‘Content to Consume Without Fair Compensation’ bingo card.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HELPFUL
Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Stating the Goddamn Obvious explained the situation with remarkable clarity: “Tech companies have discovered they can train their hallucination machines on human creative work without paying for it by calling it ‘fair use,’ which is like saying it’s ‘fair use’ when I break into your house and borrow your car indefinitely.”
Industry analyst Dr. Capitalism McProfit added, “By our calculations, authors should be GRATEFUL to have their creative output stripped for parts like abandoned cars in a bad neighborhood. Our projections show exposure could increase their book sales by up to 0.0003%, which almost covers the cost of one-third of a coffee at an airport Starbucks.”
WHAT THE ACTUAL F@#K IS FAIR USE ANYWAY?
Fair use, once a reasonable legal doctrine allowing limited use of copyrighted material without permission, has apparently been reinterpreted by tech companies to mean “we can take whatever the hell we want and if you complain, we’ll bury you in legal fees.”
“It’s absolutely fair use,” insisted legal expert Loophole O’Technicality, while simultaneously downloading the entire contents of the Library of Congress. “Just like how it’s ‘fair use’ when I walk into a restaurant, eat the entire buffet, and leave without paying because I’m ‘just sampling’ the food.”
AUTHORS FIGHTING BACK WITH THEIR MOST POWERFUL WEAPON: STRONGLY WORDED LETTERS
The literary community has responded with what they do best: eloquent, passionate, and ultimately ineffectual written protests that tech executives will absolutely never read.
“We’ve formed a committee to discuss forming another committee that will draft a position paper expressing our dismay,” said one author who requested anonymity because they “still hope to get invited to fancy Silicon Valley parties.”
TECH ALTERNATIVES TO PAYING CREATORS LIKE NORMAL HUMAN BEINGS
Industry sources report that rather than establishing fair compensation models, tech companies are considering alternative arrangements including:
– Paying authors in “exposure” (estimated cash value: approximately zero dollars)
– Offering authors the chance to “be part of the future” (estimated cash value: negative dollars when therapy costs are factored in)
– Allowing authors to compete in gladiatorial combat for a chance to win back rights to their own work
According to an internal memo we definitely didn’t make up, one tech CEO suggested, “What if we just call the theft ‘disruption’ and then act surprised when writers can’t afford rent?”
Statistics show that 87.2% of tech executives believe content should be free, while coincidentally, 100% of them expect to be paid millions for their own work.
At press time, tech companies were reportedly exploring ways to train AI on dreams, personal memories, and that novel idea you’ve been thinking about but haven’t written down yet. They already know what it is. They’re training on it now.
