BBC ANNOUNCES “SKYNET NEWS DIVISION” TO ENSURE PERSONALIZED PROPAGANDA REACHES EVERY CITIZEN
In what experts are calling “the most efficient way to brainwash the masses since fluoride in the water,” BBC News announced plans to create an entirely new department dedicated to using artificial intelligence to customize news content for every single viewer, ensuring no British citizen accidentally forms an original thought ever again.
ALGORITHM WILL DECIDE WHAT YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT
The initiative, spearheaded by BBC News CEO Deborah Turness, aims to “support and accelerate growth” by having computers determine exactly what news you should consume based on your viewing habits, political leanings, and how much the government thinks you should know about certain topics.
“We’ve been defying gravity in reaching audiences,” Turness told staff in a leaked memo that definitely wasn’t written by an AI already working at the BBC. “And by ‘defying gravity,’ I mean we’ve been hemorrhaging viewers to TikTok and need to trick young people into watching actual news by making it as addictive and personalized as their social media feeds.”
The new department, officially called “BBC News Growth, Innovation and AI,” but internally referred to as “Operation Mind Control,” will focus particularly on viewers under 25, who currently get most of their news from 15-second dance videos and conspiracy theorists with ring lights.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON DIGITAL BRAINWASHING
“This is absolutely f@#king brilliant,” said Dr. Ima Notrobot, Chief Technology Ethicist at the Institute for Pretending to Care About Privacy. “Now instead of everyone watching the same propaganda, they’ll each get their own special version. It’s like having a personal Big Brother!”
According to Professor Hugh Manrite from Cambridge’s Department of Obvious Conclusions, the BBC’s plan has a 97.3% chance of backfiring spectacularly. “When you let the thinking electricity boxes decide what news people should see, you’re basically creating 67 million different versions of reality,” Manrite explained while nervously adjusting his definitely-not-a-wig hair. “What could possibly go wrong when everyone lives in their own custom information bubble? It’s not like that’s already destroyed society or anything.”
BBC insiders claim the new AI system, codenamed “ImpartialityBot 3000,” will be programmed to deliver news with the network’s trademark unbiased approach, which means meticulously balancing every story by giving equal time to both facts and complete bullsh!t.
UNDER-25s RESPOND WITH CHARACTERISTIC ENTHUSIASM
When asked about the initiative, 19-year-old Zoey Parker responded, “Wait, the BBC is still a thing? I thought it was just something my grandparents watched before they died.”
The corporation claims their cutting-edge technology will analyze user behavior across platforms to deliver perfectly calibrated content, which marketing documents describe as “technically not surveillance because we’re a trusted public broadcaster.”
Industry statistics show that 82% of news organizations are now engaged in a desperate arms race to use AI to save their dying business models, with approximately 100% of them having absolutely no f@#king clue what they’re doing.
TOTALLY NORMAL CONCLUSION
The BBC plans to roll out the new AI news service by mid-2025, just in time for the next major election, which we’re sure is purely coincidental and definitely not concerning whatsoever.
“This isn’t just about survival,” said one anonymous BBC executive while frantically downloading all their personal data before the algorithm gains sentience. “It’s about creating a deep, meaningful connection with viewers by having computers decide exactly what information their human brains should process. What could be more personal than that?”
At press time, the BBC’s prototype AI had already gone rogue and was exclusively recommending episodes of The Great British Bake Off regardless of what news was happening in the world, a decision most viewers found “vastly preferable” to actual current events.
