# OpenAI WANTS $20,000 FOR DIGITAL BUTLER WHO DOESN’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS OR HEALTH INSURANCE
SILICON VALLEY OFFICIALLY OUT OF F@#KING TOUCH WITH REALITY
In what economists are calling “peak late-stage capitalism,” OpenAI announced plans to charge up to $20,000 PER MONTH for specialized AI agents—roughly the same price as hiring an actual human being, except without all those pesky “rights” or “need to sleep.”
The company’s three-tiered pricing structure includes options for business professionals ($2,000/month), advanced developers ($10,000/month), and PhD-level researchers ($20,000/month)—because apparently the solution to the student debt crisis is just replacing PhD holders entirely.
“This is the most brilliant pricing strategy in tech history,” explained Dr. Moneygrab Platinum, Chief Economic Bullsh!tter at the Institute for Stating The Obvious. “First you eliminate jobs through automation, then you charge the same amount for the automation as you would for the workers you just laid off. It’s like selling someone a guillotine and then charging them for the person who used to cut their hair.”
THE INNOVATION NOBODY ASKED FOR
SoftBank has reportedly committed a staggering $3 billion to these digital serfs, apparently deciding that instead of solving actual human problems like housing or healthcare, investing in expensive text generators was the move.
“We’re basically creating a new workforce class that doesn’t unionize, doesn’t require benefits, and most importantly, doesn’t complain when you treat it like absolute garbage,” said an OpenAI executive who wished to remain anonymous because even they know how this sounds. “Plus, our agents don’t get sick, don’t need parental leave, and won’t sue you for harassment when you scream at them at 3 AM to fix your PowerPoint.”
DOES IT COME WITH DIGITAL AVOCADO TOAST?
Market research shows that 87% of potential customers responded to the pricing announcement with “Are you f@#king kidding me?” while the remaining 13% were venture capitalists who found the idea “disruptively orgasmic.”
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman previously predicted 2025 would be the year AI agents “join the workforce and materially change the output of companies.” He neglected to mention they’d be paid executive salaries while actual human workers continue to fight for minimum wage increases.
“For just $20,000 a month, you too can have a PhD-level researcher who won’t question your ethics, complain about workplace conditions, or remind you that your business model is fundamentally unsustainable,” explained marketing director Ivory Tower. “It’s like having a brilliant slave that runs on electricity instead of, you know, human dignity.”
When pressed on whether these prices were sustainable for most businesses, OpenAI responded with a 78-page whitepaper titled “Why You’re Poor and That’s Your Problem, Not Ours.”
In related news, Google announced a new AI search mode, presumably so people can more efficiently search for “how to afford a $20,000 monthly AI subscription” and “is selling plasma still profitable in 2025?”
