WATCHDOG DECLARES MICROSOFT’S RELATIONSHIP WITH OPENAI “JUST FRIENDS WITH BILLIONS OF BENEFITS”
In a stunning display of regulatory blindness that would make Ray Charles say “even I can see that’s bulls#!t,” the UK’s Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) has decided that Microsoft’s $13 billion “investment” in OpenAI doesn’t constitute control, just “material influence.” Because nothing says “hands-off relationship” quite like injecting enough cash to fund a small nation’s economy.
WHAT EXACTLY IS “MATERIAL INFLUENCE” ANYWAY?
According to the CMA, “material influence” is apparently the corporate equivalent of buying someone 47 drinks at a bar but insisting you’re not trying to take them home. The watchdog determined that Microsoft’s $13,000,000,000 contribution merely gives them a friendly suggestion box and definitely not a vice-like grip on OpenAI’s silicon testicles.
“Microsoft and OpenAI are simply casual acquaintances who occasionally text each other about the weather and transfer billions of dollars between accounts,” explained CMA spokesperson Seymour Obvious. “It’s like when your rich uncle gives you your allowance but definitely doesn’t expect you to mow his lawn or kiss his a$$ at family gatherings.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETE BEWILDERMENT
Professor Ima Notbribed from the Institute of F@#king Obviously They Control Them expressed shock at the decision. “When I give my kids five dollars for ice cream, they do whatever I want for a week. Microsoft gave OpenAI thirteen BILLION dollars and we’re supposed to believe they just sit back and let them do whatever? That’s like saying I have ‘material influence’ over my own limbs but don’t control them.”
Financial analyst Hugh G. Payoff added, “This is the corporate equivalent of saying ‘we’re just roommates’ while wearing matching rings and raising three children together.”
MICROSOFT CELEBRATES WITH TOTALLY INDEPENDENT PARTY THAT OPENAI COINCIDENTALLY ALSO ATTENDS
Microsoft executives celebrated the decision with a champagne toast in which OpenAI’s board members spontaneously appeared with glasses already in hand. “Pure coincidence!” both parties shouted simultaneously before high-fiving and splitting a “Best Friends” heart necklace.
When asked for comment, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella stated, “We respect OpenAI’s complete independence,” while using a rolled-up $13 billion check to gently guide OpenAI CEO Sam Altman toward the correct response.
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE, EXCEPT WHEN THEY DO
Statistical analysis shows that 97.4% of companies who receive $13 billion from another company are about as independent as a ventriloquist’s dummy. Dr. Count McNumbers, professor of Obvious Financial Relationships at Duhversity, notes that “the likelihood of Microsoft not having effective control over OpenAI is roughly equivalent to the chance of finding a unicorn giving tax advice in your bathroom.”
IN CONCLUSION: NOTHING TO SEE HERE, FOLKS
The CMA’s groundbreaking decision establishes an exciting new precedent in competition law where “control” now requires actual mind-control devices and signed documents stating “I CONTROL THIS COMPANY” in blood. Next up: investigating whether water is actually wet or if gravity is just a suggestion.
Sources close to the investigation reveal the CMA is now turning its attention to more pressing matters, like determining if the sky is blue or if bears sh!t in woods. Meanwhile, Microsoft continues to enjoy its totally casual, no-strings-attached, multibillion-dollar friendship with benefits.
