PSYCHOTIC TECH NERDS MURDER PEOPLE TO SAVE US FROM KILLER ROBOTS, FAIL TO SEE THE F@#KING IRONY
In what can only be described as the world’s most incompetent superhero origin story, a group of Silicon Valley math geniuses decided the best way to save humanity from dangerous artificial intelligence was to allegedly murder a bunch of humans first.
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It all began when a programmer known as “Ziz” purchased a sailboat, apparently believing that floating on water was the optimal way to combat the existential threat of thinking electricity. This perfectly normal decision kicked off what experts are calling “the most batsh!t crazy cult since people thought drinking Kool-Aid would get them a ride on a comet.”
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The group arrived in San Francisco in 2016, ostensibly to study the dangers of artificial intelligence, but according to Dr. Hindsight Obvious, author of “Red Flags You Idiots Missed,” their real mission quickly became clear.
“These people were terrified that computers would eventually kill humans,” explained Obvious. “So naturally, the logical conclusion was to just beat the computers to it. It’s like burning your house down to protect it from termites.”
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What started as a bunch of socially awkward math prodigies discussing the trolley problem over kombucha quickly escalated into what authorities describe as “a collection of actual f@#king murders across multiple states.”
Sources close to the investigation reveal that 97.8% of the cult’s manifesto consisted of complex equations proving that murder is wrong when computers do it but totally fine when done to prevent computers from doing it later. The remaining 2.2% was dedicated to sailboat maintenance tips.
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Professor Irene Sanity of the Institute for Studying Obviously Disturbed People notes that the alleged cult’s approach had one fatal flaw: “They were so worried about digital intelligence destroying humanity that they completely overlooked the damage that can be done by analog stupidity.”
The bodies discovered in Pennsylvania, Vermont, and California have authorities questioning whether the group’s fear of a “dark AI future” was really just a convenient cover for garden-variety psychopathy.
“It takes a special kind of stupid to kill people to prevent killing,” said Sheriff Mike Hunt. “That’s like f@#king for virginity or eating a cow to save it from slaughter.”
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Former cult almost-member Terry Escaped describes the group’s recruitment tactics: “First they’d ask if you like math. Then they’d ask if you’re afraid of robots. Then suddenly you’re on a sailboat discussing which humans need to die so other humans don’t die later. Classic bait and switch.”
In a statement that absolutely nobody is taking seriously, the group’s attorney insisted that their clients were simply “debugging humanity’s ethical subroutines” and that the murders were merely “unexpected system crashes during a planned upgrade.”
As the investigation continues across three states, one thing remains crystal clear: in their quest to save us from killer machines, these geniuses somehow missed the lesson that humans doing the killing isn’t actually the solution we were looking for.
