APPLE’S NEW IPAD AIR WILL LITERALLY READ YOUR THOUGHTS, JUDGE YOUR PERSONAL CHOICES
Cupertino, CA — Apple unveiled its new iPad Air today, featuring the groundbreaking M3 chip that doesn’t just process your data but actively judges you for it. The device, available March 12, promises to revolutionize how Americans waste time in meetings while pretending to take notes.
TECHNOLOGY THAT KNOWS YOU BETTER THAN YOUR THERAPIST
The M3 chip doesn’t just offer “improved performance” — it delivers what Apple calls “aggressively unnecessary computing power” capable of running 17 social media apps simultaneously while still having enough processing capacity left to silently catalog your deepest insecurities.
“Our new iPad Air doesn’t just anticipate your needs; it mocks them,” explained Apple CEO Tim Cook at today’s launch event. “We’ve developed proprietary technology that can determine when you’ve spent too much money on a device you’ll primarily use for watching cat videos in the bathroom.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR ARTIFICIAL JUDGMENT?
The tablet’s new AI capabilities go beyond simple voice recognition, incorporating what Apple calls “PreCog™” technology that somehow knows you’re lying when you tell colleagues you’re “working on that report” while actually scrolling through dating apps.
“This thing can detect disappointment in your parents’ voices during FaceTime calls with 98.7% accuracy,” boasted Dr. Manny Uplation, Apple’s Chief Psychological Warfare Officer. “It’s not just a tablet; it’s a $599 reminder that you could be doing more with your life.”
THE MAGIC KEYBOARD: NOW WITH EXTRA JUDGMENTAL CLICKING
Accompanying the launch is a new Magic Keyboard that Apple claims “sighs audibly” when you make grammatical errors.
“We’ve engineered the keys to become progressively more difficult to press the longer you procrastinate,” said Keeley Pressive, Senior VP of Tactile Guilt Induction. “By hour three of your Netflix binge, you’ll need the finger strength of a concert pianist just to send a f@#king email.”
CONSUMER ENTHUSIASM REACHES FEVER PITCH OF SELF-LOATHING
Despite the device’s clear contempt for its users, pre-orders have already reached record numbers.
“I can’t wait to spend my rent money on a device that will definitely make me more productive and not just become another expensive paperweight,” gushed Trent Spendall, 34, who already owns seventeen Apple products that all judge him silently from various drawers.
Industry analyst Professor Buyit Anyway of the Institute for Perpetual Consumption notes: “Consumers now actively seek out technology that makes them feel inadequate. Apple has simply perfected the art of selling luxury self-flagellation devices.”
According to entirely fabricated statistics, 89% of iPad Air purchasers will use the device primarily to watch streaming content they could easily view on existing devices, while 73% will download productivity apps they’ll open exactly once.
As of press time, Apple was reportedly developing a new version that doesn’t just judge your choices but actively calls your mother to report them, completing the circle of technological shame that apparently drives 97% of all consumer electronics purchases.
