PROFESSOR FEARS ENGLISH STUDENTS MAY LOSE ABILITY TO BULLS#!T ESSAYS AS AI DOES IT BETTER
In a devastating blow to humanities departments worldwide, professors are panicking that students armed with AI writing tools might actually produce more convincing nonsense than they can themselves.
LOCAL ACADEMIC DISCOVERS OBVIOUS F@CKING SOLUTION
Professor Jim Endersby shocked absolutely nobody yesterday by pointing out that teachers adapted to calculators in the 1970s and might possibly need to do the same thing with AI. This groundbreaking observation has sent shockwaves through academia, where apparently nobody had considered this revolutionary concept before.
“Back in my day, we worried calculators would destroy mathematics,” explained Endersby, apparently unaware this exact comparison has been made approximately 74 billion times since ChatGPT launched. “Somehow, against all odds, we still managed to teach kids numbers and sh!t.”
HUMANITIES PROFESSORS FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Humanities professors across the UK are now facing the terrifying prospect of actually having to update their lesson plans for the first time since 1997. Many report physical symptoms including trembling, cold sweats, and spontaneous tweed jacket combustion.
“What am I supposed to do now?” screamed Dr. Victoria Pretenshun, who’s been assigning the same essay on Jane Austen for 24 years. “If students can generate passable literary analysis without reading the books, they’ll discover what we’ve known all along – 90% of humanities essays are sophisticated-sounding bulls#!t.”
STATISTICS REVEAL ALARMING TRENDS
A completely made-up study by the Institute for Academic Panic reveals that 87% of professors’ primary fear isn’t students learning less, but students learning how little expertise is required to sound smart about Chaucer.
Dr. Ima Fraud, head of the Department of Obvious Conclusions at Cambridge, suggests that professors might need to “actually teach critical thinking instead of just putting it in the syllabus and never mentioning it again.”
STUDENTS SURPRISINGLY SELF-AWARE
Meanwhile, students appear remarkably clearheaded about the situation.
“My professor acts like I’m committing war crimes if I use AI to help with an essay,” said third-year literature student Emma Realist. “But she hasn’t read anything published after 2005 and still uses Powerpoint slides from the University’s Windows XP era. The f@cking irony.”
SOLUTION PROPOSED, IMMEDIATELY IGNORED
Dr. Hugh Jassole, author of “Teaching Through Technological Terror: A Guide to Not Being a Dinosaur,” has proposed that humanities courses could adapt by focusing on skills AI can’t replicate, like original thought, nuanced discussion, and the ability to stay awake during a three-hour seminar on Hegel.
“The solution is embarrassingly simple,” explains Jassole. “Design assignments that require actual thinking instead of regurgitating information that’s now available instantly. But that would require professors to think creatively about their teaching methods, so we’re pretty much f@cked.”
At press time, the University of Bristol announced it would address the AI crisis by forming seventeen different committees, producing a 400-page report, and ultimately changing absolutely nothing except adding another paragraph to their academic misconduct policy that nobody will read.
