ROBOT DOCTORS PROMISE EQUAL HEALTHCARE ACCESS, UNEQUAL MALPRACTICE LAWSUITS
In a shocking revelation that has left medical professionals questioning their career choices, former neuroradiologist and current Philips executive Shez Partovi has announced plans to replace all human doctors with what industry insiders are calling “stethoscope-wielding calculation entities.”
PRIVILEGED DOCTOR DISCOVERS POOR PEOPLE EXIST, IMMEDIATELY SELLS SOUL TO TECH INDUSTRY
Two decades ago, while shuttling between treating oil sheikhs and Mexican billionaires at his posh Arizona hospital, Partovi reportedly experienced an “awakening” when a nun informed him that poor people also get sick. This groundbreaking information apparently blew his f@#king mind.
“She told me there are people born, live and die without seeing a physician,” Partovi recalled, seemingly shocked that not everyone arrives at hospitals via helicopter. “That’s when I knew I needed to leave medicine immediately and join a massive corporation.”
PHILIPS UNVEILS NEW “DOCTOR-B-GONE 3000”
Partovi, whose business card reads “Chief Innovation and Money-Making Officer,” insists his company’s new AI diagnostic systems will democratize healthcare while coincidentally generating billions in shareholder value.
“Do I think doctors are going to be out of a job? Not at all,” lied Partovi, while standing next to a prototype robot wearing a white coat and displaying the message “HUMAN DOCTORS: OBSOLETE SINCE 2025” across its chest screen.
MEDICAL COMMUNITY RESPONDS
The medical community has expressed mixed reactions to Philips’ healthcare AI initiatives.
“This is completely unnecessary,” said Dr. Actual Human, a general practitioner with thirty years of experience. “We already have a perfectly good healthcare system where patients wait six months for an appointment, then receive a bill that bankrupts their entire family.”
According to Professor Iam Madeupp of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions, approximately 98.7% of healthcare problems could be solved by “just making existing healthcare affordable and accessible rather than inventing robot doctors,” but that approach reportedly “doesn’t look as good in PowerPoint presentations.”
PATIENTS EXCITED ABOUT NEW DIAGNOSTIC METHODS
Future patient Terry Johnson expressed enthusiasm about AI diagnostics: “I’ve always wanted my cancer diagnosis delivered by something that also recommends YouTube videos. It’s the natural evolution of medicine.”
When asked about potential privacy concerns, Partovi assured reporters that patient data would be “super duper secure” and “definitely not sold to advertisers,” before a notification on his smartwatch revealed that local funeral homes were having a sale based on his last patient’s scan results.
HUMANITY’S LAST CHANCE
Experts estimate that within five years, the only human healthcare workers will be janitors required to mop up when the diagnosis robots leak hydraulic fluid onto hospital floors.
“Look, healthcare inequality is a serious issue,” admitted Partovi in a rare moment of clarity, “but rather than address systemic problems through meaningful policy changes and increased access, we’ve determined that selling expensive AI systems to already wealthy hospital systems is somehow the solution.”
At press time, Partovi was reportedly teaching his AI system to deliver terrible news with the same emotional detachment as human doctors, a feature that early testers describe as “disturbingly accurate” and “the only thing it gets right 100% of the time.”
