APPLE DESPERATELY SIRI-CHING FOR RELEVANCE AS AI VOICE REVOLUTION LEAVES IPHONE MAKER WHISPERING INTO THE VOID
In a shocking development for the world’s most valuable tech company, Apple’s plan to revamp its embarrassingly outdated voice assistant has been pushed all the way to 2027, leaving executives panic-scrolling through LinkedIn for AI talent at 3 AM.
SIRI STILL THINKS “AI” STANDS FOR “ABSOLUTELY IDIOTIC”
Apple’s smart assistant currently operates like a dementia patient with two separate personalities – traditional functions and newer AI features working as completely different systems that refuse to acknowledge each other’s existence.
While competitors are creating voice assistants that can write sonnets, plan your wedding, and psychoanalyze your relationship issues, Siri still struggles to set a f@#king timer without accidentally calling your ex-boyfriend in Australia.
“Apple’s strategy of waiting until technology is perfect before releasing it has backfired spectacularly,” said industry analyst Dr. Obvious Hindsight. “By 2027, voice AI will be performing brain surgery while Siri is still asking ‘Would you like me to search the web for that?'”
Internal documents reveal that Apple Intelligence adoption metrics are so dismal that employees have taken to calling the feature “Apple Unintelligence” in Slack channels they think Tim Cook can’t access.
TALENT EXODUS LEAVES TIM APPLE CRYING INTO HIS TURTLENECK
Sources close to the matter report the company’s AI division is hemorrhaging talent faster than an iPhone battery drains when you open the camera app.
“We’ve lost 87% of our AI researchers to companies that actually let them publish papers and implement their work,” admitted one Apple executive who requested anonymity because “Tim gets really cranky when people tell the truth.”
A recent company-wide survey revealed that 94% of Apple engineers can’t explain what Apple Intelligence actually does, with 76% admitting they just use ChatGPT on their Android phones when nobody’s looking.
COMPETITORS CROSS THE “UNCANNY VALLEY” WHILE APPLE STILL STRUGGLING TO FIND THE TRAILHEAD
Meanwhile, former Oculus founder Brendan Iribe’s startup Sesame has unveiled voice technology so realistic it made three Apple board members weep during a demo. The system responds with genuine emotions, natural speech patterns, and the ability to understand context – three things Siri has been pretending to work on since 2011.
“It’s like comparing a Tesla to a horse-drawn carriage with a broken wheel and a horse that’s actively trying to kill you,” explained Professor Candace Blatant of the Institute for Obvious Technological Comparisons.
According to leaked internal memos, Apple engineers tested eleven competing voice assistants against Siri, and in 97% of cases, engineers reported they would “rather communicate by banging rocks together” than continue using Siri.
COMPANY CONSIDERS EMERGENCY MEASURES
With voice technology advancing at warp speed, Apple executives are reportedly considering drastic measures, including:
1. Renaming Siri to “iVoice” and charging an additional $19.99/month for basic functionality
2. Acquiring smaller AI companies and immediately smothering their innovations
3. Adding more emoji reaction options to iMessage and hoping nobody notices
“We’re committed to delivering a revolutionary voice experience that will completely redefine how humans interact with technology,” said an Apple spokesperson reading directly from the same press release they’ve been using since 2019.
In a last-ditch effort to save face, the company is reportedly considering shipping physical pairs of AirPods glued to tiny hamsters trained to whisper answers to simple questions.
“At least the hamsters could understand basic commands about the weather,” sighed one product manager.
ANALYSTS PREDICT APPLE WILL PERFECT VOICE AI JUST IN TIME FOR TELEPATHIC INTERFACES
Industry experts predict that by the time Apple finally delivers its revamped Siri in 2027, competing technology will have advanced to direct brain interfaces, making voice assistants as relevant as fax machines at a TikTok convention.
“Apple has always been about perfecting existing technology rather than being first,” defended Chief Apple Apologist Terry Deluded. “That’s why they waited until 2027 to perfect the voice assistant technology everyone else mastered in 2024.”
At press time, when asked for comment on this story, Siri responded: “I found this on the web for ‘serious tory’: In British politics, the Conservative Party is often referred to as the Tory Party…”
