AMAZON TO TURN JAMES BOND INTO CORPORATE WHORE; FANS WONDER IF HE’LL STILL HAVE A LICENSE TO KILL OR JUST PRIME MEMBERSHIP
In what can only be described as the most aggressively capitalist foreplay since Elon Musk bought Twitter to impress his robot girlfriend, Amazon has acquired the rights to James Bond and plans to penetrate every possible market with 007-branded nonsense that would make even Sean Connery’s ghost reach for a stiff drink.
SHAKEN, STIRRED, AND MONETIZED
According to author William Boyd, who once wrote an official Bond novel and therefore knows things about spy sh!t, Amazon’s acquisition means we can look forward to a f@#king tsunami of Bond-related garbage washing up on our cultural shores.
“Certainly wait for Bond aftershave – and for the theme park and the dinner jackets,” Boyd predicted with the resigned tone of someone watching their childhood hero get pimped out like a Halloween costume on November 1st.
ESPIONAGE EXPERTS PREDICT TOTAL BRAND PROSTITUTION
Dr. Capitalism Ruins Everything, professor of Media Whoredom at Sellout University, explains: “What we’re seeing here is the natural evolution of a beloved character. First, he defends the free world, then he defends corporate interests, and finally, he becomes a logo on underwear that says ‘Licensed to Thrill’ across the ass.”
Industry analysts predict at least 74% of all Bond-related merchandise will feature terrible innuendos that would make even Roger Moore cringe from beyond the grave.
BOND VILLAINS TO BE REPLACED BY COMPETING TECH COMPANIES
Inside sources reveal the next Bond film will feature 007 fighting a consortium of evil retail competitors. The villain’s lair will be located inside a Walmart, and instead of a white cat, he’ll stroke a Target dog while monologuing about free shipping.
“We’re exploring exciting new directions for the franchise,” explained Amazon executive Profits B. Prioritized. “For example, what if instead of saying ‘Bond, James Bond,’ he says ‘Bond, sponsored by Alexa’? The creative possibilities are endless, by which I mean profitable.”
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When asked about potential Bond-themed nightclubs, Boyd sighed so heavily it was audible through print media. “The new owners will have to commodify everything about their billion-dollar purchase, so there will be nightclubs and vodkas,” he said, presumably while drinking heavily.
Cultural critic I.M. Disgusted noted: “Nothing says ‘sophisticated international spy’ like a bunch of drunk bros in Amazon-licensed dinner jackets vomiting premium ‘007 Shaken Not Stirred’ vodka shots outside a club called ‘Moneypenny’s.'”
ALEXA, ACTIVATE MY LICENSE TO KILL
When asked if AI might generate future Bond novels, Boyd didn’t rule it out, suggesting that literal soulless machines might soon be writing about the quintessentially human spy.
According to a survey that we completely made up, 89% of Bond fans are concerned the famous spy will now have to ask for permission from HR before seducing anyone, and his Aston Martin will be replaced with an eco-friendly Amazon delivery van equipped with missile launchers.
The franchise transition is expected to be complete when Q provides Bond with his newest gadget: an Amazon Prime credit card that doubles as a garrote wire and offers 5% cashback on all international assassinations.
